#not rhetorical btw i hate this shit so bad. help

[beatcroc]

so who wants to hold my hand and tell me how to do everything for every 2 inches step and line of code while i make a neocities

[margridarnauds]

I think the idea of "helping save" is kind of the issue? Like obviously you can learn any language and if some random person wherever in the world wants to learn irish for their own interests that's great. But the idea that somebody not living in ireland learning irish is saving the language? Seems a bit off in a way that's hard to articulate. It's just someone learning a language, a completely morally neutral act. And to have that framed as something like charity is once again off-putting in a way that's hard to describe. (This isn't meant as hate btw)

Alright, so I’m taking this in good faith, and that you are working off of something that, as you say, is hard to articulate, especially since I’m coming at this with different life experiences and this whole history with it that likely doesn’t match yours. Which isn’t a bad thing, it just means I’m going to have a different perspective.

And I am a Yank! I’m going to emphasize this, because I think it’s important. And I’m aware that I’m a Yank, that I’m not Irish and that I’m not Welsh, but, in my defense, I am a Yank who’s lived in Ireland, studied in Ireland, who has strong working relationships in Ireland, especially in the Gaeltacht, who has studied the Irish language at all stages of development, and who has friends involved in the preservation of every single one of the presently living Celtic languages. I have had numerous discussions about the current status of the Irish language with native speakers at all levels of the educational system. I think that I am allowed to have something resembling an opinion on it. This is not me bragging, this is not me saying that I know more about Ireland than the Irish, because I genuinely don’t believe I do. It’s me establishing my credibility.

To be blunt, if people don’t speak a language, it will die. This can involve everything from academic texts to Twitter conversations. To speak a minority language, to attempt to keep it alive…it is something that is not neutral. I am not saying it’s a moral positive, because I don’t feel comfortable with the notion that I sometimes see in circles of native Irish speakers that not speaking Irish = not being patriotic enough. But I don’t believe it’s neutral. And I think that anyone using Irish in any capacity, even if it’s via Tweets, is helping in some capacity by enabling Irish language conversation. This is what I have been told by multiple native speakers in the Gaeltacht, this is not something I’m pulling out of a hat. (I once had an instructor tell a second or so generation Irish American that she was more of an Irishwoman than most people in Ireland — you’ll notice I do *not* go that extreme because again, I get very nervous around some of that rhetoric, I think it can be pushed to extremes very quickly and, frankly, shits on anybody in Ireland who does not speak Irish, which is counterproductive. I think we have to dump this Patrick Pearsean way of looking at things.)

And I think this question of like…in Ireland VS out of Ireland is kind of historically redundant, isn’t it? Because…Ireland has an extensive history around emigration. And, frankly, I have a lot of conflicting opinions around Irish Americans and Irish American identity, I think that it’s a fraught topic and, quite frankly, often leads to things getting heated very quickly. (Especially on the side of Irish Americans, which…again…I have complicated feelings about.) But, the truth is, historically and up to the present, there are Irish speakers who have had to leave Ireland for the States or Canada. They didn’t lose their Irishness and they didn’t lose their language. There were active Irish speaking regions all over North America, with some places being Irish speaking until only a couple of decades ago. Were they keeping the Irish language alive? I’m inclined to think so. And if their children wanted to learn Irish, do I believe that they would be keeping it alive? …honestly, yes. I’m not Irish American, and frankly, they often annoy me, but I do see their perspective, especially since I’ve worked with a number of Irish Americans, both in a professional context and while studying in the Gaeltacht, who have convinced me of their genuine zeal for the language. And I’ve been to pop up Gaeltachts in the States, where people do try to keep their Irish sharp, often attended by émigres, often by people with either fluency or near fluency (certainly better than mine.) But the point I’m trying to raise, I suppose…and it’s a complicated one, and I don’t have an answer for it is that…if there wasn’t an Ireland anymore. If it sank into the sea because of some freak explosion or something…and there were people still speaking the language — not just in the States, let’s toss the States out of it entirely, but anywhere where Irish people have gone to…would the Irish language still be alive and living?And…I don’t think it’d be in a healthy state, no, because most of the Irish speakers would be gone, and it would lose the centralization that it currently has, but I think it would be both. Alive in the sense that it still would have speakers and living in the sense that the language would be evolving.

And now, as for the rest of the point, and this is why it’s important to understand that this is not, primarily,, even just about me, even though it was at least partially inspired by certain comments that people have made towards me over the years as a medievalist with a specialization in Old Irish materials: this was actually, mainly, inspired by a post that I saw on here where…I don’t want to say the author’s name, because even if it isn’t confidential information, I do feel a burden of care to them, but a certain very high profile author was learning Irish, had gotten a degree from an Irish uni, and had spent time in the Gaeltacht. And this post was ripping into not just them, but their degree, saying that if you want to study Irish, you should be shouted at for seven hours, making fun of them using Irish. And some of it I agree with! In the sense that they were discussing how they felt like this author had not always done well with characters of color, and I think that’s a valid critique, but a solid portion of it was just being outraged that this high profile author, who has the potential to really inspire a generation of people, not just outside of Ireland, but INSIDE of it, to view this language as something kind of desirable and interesting and...potentially even glamorous, was learning Irish, which I didn’t feel was productive.

I am not saying that the Irish need North American saviors to come in and teach their poor, confused selves how to use their own language. That isn’t my belief. I am echoing what I have heard repeatedly from native Irish speakers which is that the only way to keep a language alive is to use it, and the more people speaking it and learning off of one another and enriching their vocabulary at all levels, the better. I don’t think we’re the key to saving the language, no, and I don’t believe that Yanks who learn Irish are More Irish Than The Irish, but I do believe that it helps, yes. I think it's the key behind Irish language TV shows, blog posts, and Twitter accounts, it's the key behind Irish language books and songs, including pop songs. I’m sorry, but that is my belief on the matter. And the key to my post is also that untangling the idea of language = culture = identity doesn’t even help the Poor Oppressed Americans, but it does also help Irish people who do not speak Irish, it helps immigrants, it helps POC who often feel excluded from Irish and Welsh language learning because of the idea of them not “really” being Irish/Welsh. I don’t want the takeaway here to be “poor oppressed Americans”, I want it to be “in general, it’s better to enable Irish language conversation rather than shut it down, at least in my opinion, and to not be shitty to people.”

…also where were you when that one AITA Reddit post of a girl only speaking Irish to her friends in Ireland, even when they didn’t know that much and were asking her to stop, was going viral on here? Because that was the opposite of treating the language as a neutral and was generally applauded (even if I thought it was kind of shitty.)

But, anyway, thank you for that, I think that gave me a lot to chew on and I hope that it gave you something to chew on as well.

[donnerpartyofone]

man i hope this isnt weird and i know its a little weird but ive followed you for a while and feel a deep kindred spirit with you. i know its only parasocial and we arent mutuals so its all good but like some of the things you post resonate with me so deeply and you articulate things abt yourself that i also feel abt my self but you articulate them better than i ever could. also we have very similar hair but i usually weird mine buzzed but when it grows out it looks a lot like yours and you rock it in ways i never feel confident enough to do. idk i just saw your post abt being a bad person but not in the ways ppl think you are and thats like something i think to myself all the time like i wish ppl who think im good knew i was bad and ppl who think im bad knew how wrong they were abt the ways im bad. and things youve posted abt being a stupid person and having ppl be like "youre not" resonate too bcuz its like im painfully PAINfully aware of my own stupidity and bumbling thru like but my loved ones dont want me to think that way or acknowledge it but i think there is something truly liberating in knowing i am inherently dumb in a lot of ways and to a lot of things and i have to work harder to live a good life bcuz of it. idk. im doing a bad job of explaining myself here. but anyways. i just wanna say thanks for putting your thoughts on this website for me to follow and keep doing you, bcuz youre doing it great.

Well I hope it's not weird for me to post this, I suppose it is anonymous after all; it feels kind of private to me but also I am also having a freakishly difficult couple of weeks and it was meaningful to hear someone say "I know what you're talking about." (I think you are speaking very clearly btw) I feel like a lot of the rhetoric society uses to address people who have depression is devised by people who don't suffer from it, like there's a lot of language about how "you're not alone" and a lot of idealizing talk about how great the self-denigrating sufferer appears to others, and that's nice and all but it kind of dismisses the individual's own personal experience of themselves. A person is more complex than their need for extra hugs or attention or something, and a person's perception of themselves/experience of having to be with themselves is not contingent on the perceptions of others even if the external impressions are positive. I don't know, I hate to shit on supportive behaviors but a lot of them are basically dismissive of a person's status as the de facto expert on themselves; I don't really think it's ultimately helpful to make people feel like they don't know what they're talking about, about their own selves. It can be maddening actually, and idealizing talk in particular has a way of suggesting that things have to be great for them to be at all acceptable. Which is really oppressive to tell the truth.

Interlude: In grade school my best friend's class had to do this exercise where they made acronyms of of their first names using various personal qualities, and the teachers gave her shit because for the letter A she used Adequate, and they thought this was, like...bad and had to be corrected.

Anyway I have always written very obsessively and I think it's related to wanting to be understood. Which is not the same thing as wanting to be appreciated, or wanting to feel not-alone. I think I just want someone to say they know what I'm talking about, instead of telling flattering lies or suggesting that something is wrong to say or dismissable just because it seems negative or painful. As if discomfort is automatically invalidating. Someone asked me recently if I journal and I laughed because I've done it all my life, and also because I actually have a SACK of journals under my bed, one regular one, one for dreams, one that's about my dysfunctional relationship with money and materials, etc. And then there's my various blogs of course. I have a couple of semi-pro writing projects going too that I hope I get to announce soon. But it's really all about just the fantasy of articulating something so carefully, preferably in ink (or "ink"), that no one can possibly pretend that they don't know what I'm talking about ever again.

It's funny that we wear our hair the same. I used to wear it half-shaved but my hair grows so fast, it gave me a lot of anxiety. But on that note I must say that whatever pictures of me you see are like 1/1000, I find it very hard to take a picture I'm satisfied with and I often just wind up feeling embarrassed, but ultimately I think I'm just trying to fix some positive mental image of myself even though I know we're all different people at different hours of each day. I dunno. Actually it becomes problematic because a couple of people are always telling me how "photogenic" I am and then I'm like WHY DID IT TAKE ME THREE HOURS TO GET THIS ONE SHOT THEN, and they refuse to believe me when I explain how many pictures I throw out. They think they're doing me a big favor by pretending everything is effortless for me. I have especial problems with my hair, probably every picture you see of me was anxiously snapped at some exact moment when it was behaving! So don't worry, I'm having a really hard time with my appearance basically always. Pictures other people take of me are mortifying, and I'm always like FUCK, that's what they think is a good, representative photo of me? Uh oh. Pictures I take of myself are usually taken in an emergency in fleeting, ephemeral moments where I suddenly look ok to myself.

This morning I went to the church where I've been going since February, a beautiful place full of eccentric older people I have fallen a little in love with. Sometimes I'm tempted to actually convert to Catholicism, like maybe that would be the gothest thing I could do, but I know that I will always believe in abortion and the right to suicide and I'm not too sure about hell or the historical Jesus or papal authority. I just really like it in this specific church. This morning one of the oldest ladies who goes on the weekdays like me introduced herself, she was very sweet and she was wearing hoops that were styled like chains, I don't think she realized they were bad bitch earrings, they just looked nice on her. She said it was nice to see "young people" getting involved with the church, and I wanted to tell her I turned 42 last week, but I might still be the youngest person there! When I met some of the other folks last month they told my husband that he looked like Geraldo Rivera, and then remarked that they thought we were too young to be aware of Geraldo. I told them we're old enough, we're just packed in our own oil. Anyway this is my big excuse to post selfies I was struggling with, I feel more conflicted about them these days, but I guess I'm still compelled. Thanks so much for your understanding, and have a good night!

[pythoness94]

I always hated this rhetoric, Will don't deserve "Better" than Mike. You can't look at someone like Mike, the person Will loves oh so much, look at everything Mike's done for Will then only see the couple bad things Mike did on accident. You can't, you're being intentionally obtuse at that point. Mike is what Will needs, everything that Will needs Mike has. From the first day, Mike had Will. Will needed friends, Oh look here's Mike. Will needed to be found, oh here's Mike! Will needed to not be babied and understood, oh look here's Mike again. In season three and four is where it gets a bit iffy, wanna know why? Because Mike is written like a person. He's trying to develop himself; he's trying to help El, he's trying to keep everything together, and he's failing, and he HATES it. He wants to be normal, but he just can't and he hates it. He wants to be Will's friend but he can't be normal about it so he decides he can't be Will's friend. However, that' couch scene. Mike noticed Will needed him and he was THERE, fuck El, (I love El btw, this was just kinda Mike's mentality at the time. He forgot El for Will because Will was sad. ) that guy was there and said they needed to be team. he said exactly what Will needed.

"Oh what about the van! He didn't notice when Will was crying, bub, bub, bub-" SHUT UP. Mike fundamentally refuses to believe Will would lie to him, and when Will does, (Which hurts Mike, Mike isn't the only one hurting Will, this is a two way street guys. Will isn't perfect and Mike isn't the devil, they're both flawed KIDS. ) Mike loses his shit and gets all pissy. So in the van, not only does he want to believe that somebody needs him, he also wants to believe that Will wouldn't lie to. He doesn't want to embarrass Will, he doesn't want to give Will the chance to reveal the lie, so he does nothing at all. Choosing to live in denial until he can't anymore. When El reveals that she had nothing to do with the painting, everything is going to crumble around Mike and you know what he will need, The truth, who does Mike always trust to give the truth? Will. They need each other, the build each other up. Mike is relatively fearless honestly, he doesn't give af about anybody else but Will. If Dustin were to get mad at him, he would let it roll off his back. If Will were to get mad, he would be on his hands and knees. Mike and Will deserve each other, because despite being flawed little people, they're so good to each other.

“will deserves better than mike” shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut UP shut the fuck up

[iheartbookbran]

Ok so actually my biggest problem with the whole “Daenerys will burn KL” theory—not even the Mad Queen Dany theory, which is of course very sexist for obvious reasons, but just like, the idea that Dany will ~accidentally~ ignite the wildfire in the city, burning it all to the ground. That, at first, doesn’t sound that bad, but the longer I think about it the more I hate it because tbh it doesn’t do anything for her character? And also… that fate for her is just down right cruel.

Like, the most frequent argument I see on why this would be at all satisfactory for Dany’s arc is basically that it would be a sort of lesson for her about the dangers of unchecked power and the real threat the Dragons can pose on humans and that she shouldn’t use them to fight against other people. And that’s all well and good, excellent message… except that’s not something Dany’s ever really needed to learn? Not anymore that her fellow rulers, which I will touch on more detail later, but in general Dany has seen what the abuse of power can do. Starting with her conflicting feelings regarding Viserys and how she recognizes that even though he was her brother and she loved him, he also abused his power over her as her older brother, her only family and her king; she feels guilt about the atrocities Drogo committed to the lhazarene and tries to help them; she feels so much guilt about not handling things correctly in Astapor that she decides to throw away all her plans to go to Westeros and instead stays in Meereen.

And about not knowing the true danger that her dragons can pose? I mean, this is the same girl that literally agonizes across several of her ADWD chapters because Drogon killed a child, and then takes the extreme measure of caging Rhaegal and Viserion to prevent that from ever happening again. I think she’s at least a little bit aware that the dragons can be dangerous, thank you very much.

Ok so this got long...

Anyways, the only time Dany legit uses Drogon to harm someone and not just as bluff was at the house of the Undying, where she was being attacked, and in Astapor… and like, lmao, that asshole Kraznys mo Nakloz and the rest of his slaver buddies deserved it. Don’t at me. Also, Dany’s hardly the only one with a big magical and deadly beast at her disposal, why didn’t Robb had to go through some horrifying traumatic incident to learn he shouldn’t use Grey Wind in battle to tear his enemies’ throats. Bran will be learning about the dangers of abusing power, but that’s linked to his magic powers and an actual reprehensible thing he’s doing, not the use of his glorified prehistoric dog to kill, which he’s done, just like Robb. By all means let the narrative hold Dany accountable for her mistakes… but her actual mistakes and not shit she has no control over, because she doesn’t have much control over Drogon or the other dragons even though she’s trying to, and that’s very obvious in her last ADWD chapter where she’s delirious and Drogon could kill her at any moment, and she knows that.

The other big argument people make for Dany burning KL (even if it’s by accident!) is that it will teach her about the price of war, that someone as young as her shouldn’t be leading armies and conquering kingdoms, and that fighting for the Iron Throne is not a worthy cause, and I feel like that misses the actual point of her story by a mile. First of all because a) Dany is hardly the only teenage ruler in the story and b) this is a fantasy medieval story, a lot of the characters shouldn’t be doing the things they do, aaaand yet. Also speaking of other teenage rulers with far more power that they should have—Robb and Jon, being the biggest examples.

Granted, Robb and Jon aren’t exactly successful during their time as rulers, they’re literally betrayed and killed by their own men (even if Jon will technically come back for round 2 of bullshit he’s too tired for). But the moral of their stories is not that they lost because theirs was an unworthy cause and they were stupid kids wholly unprepared for their roles. And I actually partially agree! They are just kids, including Dany, and they shouldn’t be responsible for looking after so many others and going to battle, but their cause is still just and worthy, even with all the mistakes they make along the way. Robb didn’t loose because he was wrong in demanding justice for his family or trying to protect the riverlands from the Lannisters and their minions, he lost because Tywin Lannister was a giant coward who couldn’t take him out in a fair fight.

Likewise, it isn’t wrong of Jon to try to incorporate refugees from beyond the Wall into Westeros. He’s not too stupid and honorable to do politics like his father (how I hate when people insult Jon and Ned like that), and while he did some very obvious mistakes that inevitably ended in a coup and in him dying, this is more connected to his inability to let go of his ties with his family (mainly Arya or who he believes to be her), and in isolating himself from his friends and the people he could actually trust.

I’ve always thought that Dany and Jon share a parallel narrative within the story, so while Jon is struggling with that Dany is faced with similar problems. She cages her dragons, that to her represent the only family she has left, and she tries to compromise with the slavers, marry a man she doesn’t love, pretend she’s ok with reopening the fighting pit. While she tries her best to rule wisely in Meereen, it all comes at the cost of betraying herself and her beliefs, so it’s no surprise when it all crashes around her and she’s betrayed and nearly killed. Ironically, it is Drogon who comes to rescue her.

If they are monsters, so am I.—Daenerys II, ADWD.

This is hands down one of my favorite Dany quotes from the whole series, and I hate that it’s been given such a negative connotation in the fandom, when for me it represents Dany’s humanity and compassion at the fullest.

GRRM has a knack for humanizing the ‘monsters’ of his story, for showing the good in the outcasts and the ugly and the scary. He embraces their ‘otherness’ and makes them the heroes of his stories; Arya, Bran, Brienne, Dany, Tyrion, Jon, Theon and many others are all compared to monsters or beasts at one point or another in the books.

Dany sees herself in her dragons, literal monsters in every sense of the word. Later on she faces Drogon inside the pit, and in that moment you could say that she accepts that ‘monstrous’ part of her, and in doing so she’s saved from her fate of dying at the hands of the men who would crucify innocent children and gleefully profit off of the suffering of their fellow human beings while watching them fight each other to the death for their own amusement. Now tell me who’s the real monster in this situation.

But shortly before that happens, Dany is able to see the humanity in Tyrion, an outcast who has been branded as monstrous and unlovable due to his disability all his life, a man who has come to believe in his abusers’ rhetoric about him so strongly that he’s started to act cruel and detached. She saves his life. She sees value in his life when few others would, because she cares.

I’ve always find it funny that the “dragons plant no trees” is—another—example fans use to argue in favor of Dany’s descent into Darkness™ because the actual scene goes like this:

You are a queen, her bear said. In Westeros.

"It is such a long way," she complained. "I was tired, Jorah. I was weary of war. I wanted to rest, to laugh, to plant trees and see them grow. I am only a young girl."

No. You are the blood of the dragon. The whispering was growing fainter, as if Ser Jorah were falling farther behind. Dragons plant no trees. Remember that. Remember who you are, what you were made to be. Remember your words.—Daenerys X, ADWD.

Now am I the only one who finds it at least a bit relevant that it’s freaking Jorah Mormont aka Jorah the Enslaver whom Dany’s subconscious, at her literal lowest moment, utilizes to represent this particular thought, which btw I’ve always interpreted as Dany’s own self-loathing manifesting in her, and this is something she’s actually always struggled with—the idea that she’s not enough and she’s failing. Because above all things, even Westeros or the Iron Throne, what Dany wants is peace, she wants to plant trees.

When Dany made her descent, Reznak and Skahaz dropped to their knees. "Your Worship shines so brightly, you will blind every man who dares to look upon you," said Reznak. […] This match will save our city, you will see."

"So we pray. I want to plant my olive trees and see them fruit." Does it matter that Hizdahr's kisses do not please me? Peace will please me. Am I a queen or just a woman?—Daenerys VII, ADWD.

But of course the world doesn’t work like that, and so long as there’s Jorahs and Tywins and Eurons out there, men who would take the freedom of humans and submit them to their will, Dany can’t have the luxury of peace, just like Jon can’t have the luxury of belonging and family so long as there’s people still beyond the Wall who need his protection.

And I think that’s fine. It’s fine that Dany failed, it will help her develop as a character and realize that there’s no room to compromise with slavers, the metaphorical monsters of the story who do far more harm than the other more literal ‘monsters’ of the story. So that when she has to face down Euron Greyjoy—who btw, there’s a high chance he will end up stealing one of Dany’s dragons via Victarion using Dragonbinder… y’know, as in enslaving one of her children and using said dragon to inflict god knows what horrors, yet not many people ever consider this for some reason?—she will know. When she has to face down the Others, the magical ice fairies with no regard for human life, she will know.

That’s why I believe that it would make absolutely no sense for Dany to have to go through such a tragic and traumatic experience like burning a whole city even by pure accident, over something that’s either never been a problem with her character or she’s well into her way of learning anyways, so it would just feel repetitive. As I have pointed out, she’s already reached one of the lowest moments of her arc. Not saying there will be no other blows for her, and probably the destruction of KL will be one of them, and knowing Dany she will feel responsibility over it no matter what, but that doesn’t mean she has to be the culprit, intentional or otherwise.

[nothorses]

hey sorry if it comes off as weird, but i'm a bit desperate. i had a real bad time figuring out my identity growing up and for like, the past 4~5 years i've become really comfortable and happy whenever i referred and thought of myself as a gay nb trans man; i experience legit gender euphoria whenever ppl address or acknowledge me as such, and the most connection i feel is to gay/bi men/men-aligned ppl. that said, i've struggled with obsessive/intrusive thoughts since i'm like, 12~13 due to (1/?)

a phobia, and they often appeared when i was already feeling low/stressed/anxious over unrelated stuff. y'know when you're having a good time and suddenly your brain goes 'oh hey, remember that thing you have doubts about and makes you distressed? and you think it's not true? well, here it is again (: you're welcome!'. that's it.

so social isolation due to the pandemic has taken a toll on my mental health and recently i have been... struggling a lot not only with dysphoria (i was supposed to start hrt last year but it was postponed due to, well), but also with obtrusive/intrusive thoughts over 'how i'm faking it, i am actually a cis lesbian' (i never felt attracted truly to women, even tho i had kissed two before, and i am Positively attracted to men in a way i can only describe as 'gay').

it has gotten to a point where i cannot think about, y'know, woman characters from stuff i like that i feel like this is somehow a sign i'm actually a lesbian; i have been dreaming a lot of situations i'm either framed as a lesbian or a straight girl, i have been hyperaware of how cis ppl perceive me (pre-transition, as 'girl') and obsessing over little shit like, if women are looking at me in certain ways when i have to go out (sometimes even 'wishing' it, as if it wanting to 'prove' anything).

i feel...... exhausted, none of these make me feel good, all of this makes me feel distressed. i get dreadful when i take 'lol ur lesbian' results at stupid internet quizzes too. i feel like i cannot talk to anyone about it bc i feel like they're gonna try to feed me either 'internalized lesbophobia' or terf rhetoric, which is smth im v aware of, and part of the reason i've been obsessing over as well.

i had mild doubts about stuff before (like if i was rly a binary trans guy or nb, or if i was bisexual) but none was... like this, y'know.  i was also dumb and read a bbc article about detransitioning ppl which opened with 'studies say most trans ppl dont doubt' etc. featuring two cis lesbians that detransitioned after entering a relationship with one another. i feel rly rly rly dreadful i wish i could go back to feeling like myself (gay and guy) like i did before.

i'm sorry for the longest fucking ask btw, and also, tumblr hadnt let me send the rest for like, Hours, i'm deeply sorry

[Edited for formatting]

I think a lot of this is very normal, especially for transmascs.

We’re constantly fed this idea that we can’t really trust our own perception of reality, that we don’t know ourselves as well as others do, and that the things we believe about ourselves are temporary, silly, and “signs” of some deeper reality that someone else knows for us. It’s only natural that we’d internalize some of those feelings, and struggle to trust even the most irrefutable evidence of our own realities.

If it helps to have some tools in those moments, a couple of reminders:

Cis girls do not typically dread the idea of being girls. They might dread the social repercussions or expectations, they might hate girls who look/act in certain ways, but they do not typically hate that they are girls.

If you are feeling dread over the idea that you might be attracted to women, you probably aren’t! It’s good to work on feeling more at peace with the possibility, because orientation can be very fluid for some folks, and being ready to accept yourself if things change takes a lot of pressure off- but if you don’t want to be with women, you just literally do not have to be with women. For any reason. Even if you are “secretly” attracted to them, if you don’t want to be with them anyway, you simply do not have to be.

Trans people experience doubt. We experience it all the time. We experience it pretty much endlessly! Maybe there are trans folks who never, ever doubt their genders, and I’m very happy for them; but that’s the exception, not the rule, in my experience. This study talks about the steps toward trans self-acceptance, and finds each step is an ongoing process, and often a back-and-forth. It was very comforting for me to recognize the patterns & know I’m not alone.

The focus on AFAB detransitioners is driven by transandrophobia. Because saving the “poor little girls” is a compelling motivator in a misogynistic society. Most detransitioners are actually folks who were AMAB, and found the societal pressure and backlash was too overwhelming, or made things too unsafe, for them to carry on with their transitions. Most detransitioners, period, are people who had to stop because of safety issues, or lack of access to their transition needs.

It’s very normal to go through periods of high doubt, and periods of high self-assuredness. You may just have to ride this out; surround yourself with as much support and love as you can, remind yourself that those fears aren’t really based in reality, and be kind to yourself during this difficult time. Try to make choices that prioritize your mental and emotional health.

You will get through this period of doubt, and come back to finding love and joy in your identity again! It might just take a little time & patience.

(Also no worries over the sending confusion; Tumblr’s a lil broken sometimes, and it’s genuinely not even remotely an issue.)

[wlw-lovestruck-fiction]

This is the last ask ill send because im honestly tired of this whole thing

I dont know why you brought up the anon hate you got when that’s no part of the discussion. Even if it isnt your intention, you’re making yourself out of to be the victim when you arent. You say you want to get better but each time something gets pointed out you get on the defensive. I dont know why you decided to bring it up, but now that you have: Piama is indeed whitewashed on your drawing. “Warm lighting” doesnt change peoples undertones like that. Compare it to Piama’s last two cgs if you really don’t believe me.

Even if you aren’t affected, you need to be able to recognize it without poc having to tell you in order to be a good ally. I wouldn’t want a straight friend that lets people make homophobic comments about me in their presence and then hear them say “it doesn’t affect me so i couldnt tell it was homophobic so thats why i didnt defend you”. If you aren’t able to recognize it then you’ll inevitably repeat the same rhetoric. Racist rhetoric is everywhere and spewed every single day so you cant expect poc to be with you all the time and take you by the hand to tell you whats racist or not. Those are the reasons why you need to learn how to identify it by yourself, be listening to poc, by developing critical thinking skills, by not surrounding yourself with only white people. If not there’ll be more unchallenged asks such as one i saw recently that pinned poc that complained about yet another white route “stupid because they dont get that lovestruck releases routes by demand”. As if we have no concept of nuance.

No one is obliged to accept an apology, especially after what happened. I dont know where you got that idea from, especially when it concerns something that hurts people this deeply. And I didn’t point it out what happened just to be petty, I pointed it out because it isn’t an isolated event but a pattern of behavior of unchecked racist comments. That was simply the worst case: It was handled poorly, considering mod viv herself never apologized and again, swept it under the rug. The apology I saw from mod wrath was vague, didnt address the situation directly, was posted on this blog so no one knew what was going on, and was later deleted. So yeah she can apologize ten times and it still doesn’t mean we have to accept it. Especially if it’s that catastrophic because it looks like its more about saving face rather than feeling remorse, even if she did feel bad. You’re too eager to call it just “a mistake” and pin me as the unreasonable one.

And I want to ask you, have you truly seen with your own eyes an interaction where someone said to the other “if you like vinca you’re racist” and was completely serious?Or have you heard it from someone else saying that they were told that? Because considering that other anon watering down a woc’s criticism of lovestruck as “she doesnt like white people or this blog” then yeah i wouldn’t trust anything else coming from their mouths. People are getting too pressed over the millionth white woman in the app. Hell even if it happened, it’s probably what, one, two people? But you’re lumping all of us together as if its been a wave of saying that. The valid criticism surrounding Vinca is interconnected with Nahara’s release (one of the few dark-skinned women in the app) considering people kept saying they’d rather have a Vinca route when Nahara’s was announced. They’re not even willing to support it just because they want Vinca’s and that sends a message to voltage. So it simply doesnt boil down to “well its a difference in personalities”. Im gonna go as far as to say that if a woc had the same attitude as Vinca, people wouldnt be frothing at the mouth for her or they’d delve into the realm of fetishizing (as some people are bordering the line with Piama). But thats a whole other topic. And since people want to act stupid: all of the white characters in lovestruck are white because voltage made them that way. They could’ve quite easily made them a poc, but they rarely do. Think about what that means then, if youre really trying to defend yourself by saying “well they put out whats popular”

Lastly, you should really evaluate the content and beliefs you put out when racist people are still comfortable following and interacting with you. This is why i want this discussion to be public: your followers need to read this and apply it to themselves. Because considering the amount of anon hate you said you got yesterday towards the other blogger, theres a bunch of your followers who need to get off their phones and learn to care about other people and stop being racist assholes.

Believe me, I’m tired of it as well.

I brought up the anon hate because I didn’t want you to wonder why I was posting your asks in this form.

And no. Piama is not whitewashed. I took a dropper tool and took the color directly from her sprite, and if you’d looked at my blog, you would’ve seen that I sent screenshots as proof in response to that ask. But you obviously didn’t, so I’ll send them here again. (1. Without lighting. 2. With Lighting.)

If you still don’t believe me, you’re welcome to call me on Discord and I’ll share my screen and show you the entire process. And as an artist: You’d be fucking surprised what lighting does to colors.

Well, yes, I need to be able to recognize it indeed. The thing is: I can’t always. I try my best on this, and there will be moments and issues that will come up, mistakes I will make because I’m not perfect and not a machine. And in those moments, I’d love to have a friend that affectionately slaps me and says “JD, that was shit.” So I can apologize and notice it the next time. I have had multiple friends be transphobic to me in certain ways. I’ve informed them about it. They apologized and haven’t done it since. We’re still friends to this day. I do try to educate myself on racism and put in some work. I don’t expect POC to do all the work for me and explain to me how to be an ally correctly, and still - I hope they help me just as I help my cis friends with trans stuff. I can’t magically change all my behaviors and overcome internalized societal racism with the snap of a finger. If I could, I fucking would have already done it multiple times. The way it is, I’m working on it. Again - I’m sorry I didn’t point out the racist comment in the ask. I should’ve done that, and I’ll make sure to do it in the future.

You’re right no one is obliged to accept an apology. You’re right this hurts people deeply. And as I said - Mod Wrath apologized three times, including one on her personal blog which was a lot less vague. Mod Viv also apologized - to the person in question, in private. Just because you didn’t see it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. And the thing is - if you refuse to accept her apology, that’s one thing and fully your right. And the thing is: If an apology is not going to make you forgive her, if ten are not, what do you need in order to forgive? Will you never forgive? Will you always argue it’s going to be an apology to save face when you don’t know the fact she does feel remorse? How will you see that she does?

I did hear the Vinca thing from a friend of mine. Whom I trust. Because seriously, why would you make things like that up? Who would even get the idea? I’m against the idea of believing my friends would lie to me for attention or whatever. And yeah, the criticism of that anon was unfitting - I’ve visited the blog they claimed was doing that and I found nothing of the sorts, so that comment was unfitting unless I missed something. I never intended to say that it’s all of you saying that. I intended to say that some people are handling the issue wrong. I’m sorry it came off that way. I do believe though that it’s people’s full right to say they’d have preferred Vinca over Nahara. I would’ve preferred Vinca. I still read Nahara tho. However, it’s not yours to dictate which routes other people have to support and which not. I will however agree with you that people should give Nahara a chance - it’s quite the sweet story. And I for my part would enjoy a POC Vinca just as much as a white one. (Also, side note, you’re making it appear as if everyone would either fetishize or rage over her, which is very much putting all of the “white” fanbase into the same bag, the same thing you critizised me for earlier. It’s understandable from a psychological point of view, tho, so I’m not gonna comment further.)

Yeah, Voltage makes the characters white, and that’s an issue people can only fix by demanding more POC in the ask posts and comments. Which many do, btw. They put out what is popular indeed, they put out what is demanded, and I fucking demand more POC. I want it. They could’ve made so many LIs POC and they haven’t and I’m fucking unhappy about it too! I’m not even trying to say anything else.

Yes, making this public to arouse thinking is a good policy. The followers need to read this indeed. And we didn’t get anon hate for the other blogger. We got anon hate towards us. Tons. Comments that went as far as telling mods to kill themselves. And while I agree with lots of the things you say - some of the ways you’re acting actively spark this type of hate. There is being loud about the issues you face, and then there is calling people racist assholes based on a comment they made instead of talking to them personally and telling them that’s not okay, giving them the chance to improve themselves instead of always having them stamped as a racist. Just because you’re the one who’s hurt, the one who’s morally correct, does not mean anything you say or do is good behavior. 

You told me I whitewashed Piama when you, with a minute of research, could’ve found proof I didn’t. You obviously wanted the internet to see, maybe hoped I’d get exposed? Could I get an apology for that? And I promise, I’ll accept it because I’m willing to believe you’re a good person.

Summary of everything:

You’re right with lots of things.

I behaved wrong and I’m sorry.

Lovestruck has an issue with racism that we need to change together. 

Together. Without toxic behavior from any side.

- Mod JD

[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 29

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -5.3k. (yep longer chapter but it was needed) -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- you can send me questions and theories and comments. tbh they all make me SO SO SO SOOOO HAPPY! and make me want to write more! you can also tell me if there are things you WANT to happen. you never know, i may add it :P

- thanks for being patient btw! i work a lot these days and will work even more in the next few weeks (until halloween) so i may not update as often as i’d like. :(

- note for this chapter: remember the first part is exactly like the last chapter but from HER pov. longer chapter. yes i used that song, sue me. was it too quick? not emotional enough? too meh?  next chapter will be from his pov and ill try to write the process and what happened in his head to get this conclusion. that way you can understand him and where his decision comes from. shit i really hope this reached expectations, damn.

-please, message me, give me feedbacks, it would mean sooo much to me!

Chapter 29 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

I hadn't seen Niall in over two days and it was saddening me. I missed him more than I wanted to admit, even to myself, but at the same time, I knew he was spending most of his time with his girlfriend and I didn't want to bother their alone time. Plus, I didn't want to witness anything anymore. That time spent in Niall's living room watching them cuddle and kiss was haunting me. Yes, I was jealous, because Maya really had everything I ever wanted, including Niall, and it was hurting me more than I could ever admit.

Harry had texted me a few times and we had a few intense discussions about our relationship but also about the friendship we could have. I couldn't lie and pretend the feelings I had for him when we dated had disappeared or that I was completely healed but I was ready to try and that was all it took for us to schedule a movie night.

When I opened the door, I looked up in his eyes as my heart twisted in my chest. I had seen him not that long ago, it had only been a few weeks... was he always that tall? His lips had curled into a fond but amused smile and mine sort of did the same. Harry was the same man i knew, the same man I dated, and I was not sure I could only be his friend but it was worth a try.

I felt bad but I didn't know what else to do so I ended up bringing a blanket on the couch and sat close to him as we watched a movie and ate popcorn and candies. We always did that when we were together and it should feel awkward to do it now that we were over but I liked it. I missed affection and an other human's touch and Harry was a soft and affectionate person. I loved it.

"So, how are things between you and Niall?" he wondered, still staring at the screen as a romantic scene started.

I glanced at him and shrugged, leaning against the back of the couch and bringing my legs up.

"Okay, I guess." I replied before putting a few candies in my mouth. "He's splitting his time between Maya and I and I miss him but I guess there's not much I can do about it."

Harry quickly grabbed the remote and turned the volume down before turning his body my way, facing me. I frowned, giving him my full attention, and for some reason I knew he was going to give me a speech I had heard before.

"It's time, don't you think?" he asked, raising his eyebrows and bringing his hand to my knee. "It's been so long, Liv. You can't hide your feelings forever."

I felt myself get sad suddenly and although I was tired to hear people tell me I had to tell Niall how I felt, I knew they were right and that i had waited way too long. I looked down at his hand on my knee, trying to avoid his eyes. I focused on the way his thumb rubbed gently against the fabric of my pants and raised one shoulder up.

"I don't want to lose him." I admitted in a low tone. "If he finds out he's gonna leave."

I felt Harry's finger under my chin and he moved my face up. We stared at each other for a while and I could feel tears coming to my eyes. I knew I was way too emotional but I couldn't help it. I was scared. Scared like I had never been before, and the thought of losing my best friend again was driving me insane, especially if it was my fault. It also felt like it would hurt even more if he left because of my feelings for him.

"I know Liv, I know you're scared."

I swallowed hard, a bit surprised that he had noticed and feeling like he actually read my mind. The tone of his voice was soft and knowing that Harry cared about me even after what had happened between us made my heart twist.

"But if you-"

The bell rang and I jumped slightly before closing my eyes. I didn't want to answer. I had the annoying feeling it was Niall and I was not ready, especially not after that short discussion with Harry. I was not ready to hear him mention Maya, even if he barely ever did. I was not ready to face him and feel all those feelings I have for him flood my whole body and mind the way it always did recently, whenever he was around.

I felt Harry's hand squeeze my knee and opened my eyes, meeting his gaze. With a fond smile, he made a quick head movement in the door's direction and I sighed, pushing the blanket away and getting up to press the button that unlocks the front door. As I waited in front of my door, I felt my heart jump at the thought of Niall and Harry interacting again. I hadn't mentioned anything to Niall yet, but it was not like something was happening between Harry and I.

The knock at the door made my heart jump again but this time, I had to swallow it. I opened the door slightly, meeting Niall's smiling face, and I could swear my whole body relaxed suddenly. No one else had that effect on me.

“Hey, sorry I didn’t call.” he apologized, licking his lips and making my eyes drop to them. “Can I come in?”

“Uhm, yea, of course.”

Now that he was there, I didn't want him to leave, but I could feel my whole body shaking for a reason I ignored. He looked happy, excited even, and I always found it endearing to see him that way. This time, though, it felt weird and I didn't know why. It felt like something was going to happen and sensing it made everything almost intolerable. He started saying something but stopped right in the middle of his sentence. I was a bit lost in my thoughts but when he mentioned Harry's name, I remembered I was not alone. I was not sure it was a good thing but when Niall was there, It always felt like there was only the two of us.

When my best friend turned to me, I saw a bunch of emotions surge on his face and they passed so quick I couldn't remember or decipher all of them. I thought I saw surprise? Sadness? Anger?

"Wow, really?" he asked rudely, even though I knew it was rhetorical. "Him? Here?"

I frowned, shrugged and looked away before looking back in his eyes. I was lost, sad, and not really sure what exactly was wrong with the fact that Harry and I were friends, except that I knew Niall and him were not on best terms because of me.

“You didn’t even think to tell me that you two were spending time together?” he continued in an angry way. “You didn’t think to mention that you wanted to try again with him or that you had feelings for him again? What am I to you? Are we even still best friends?”

My eyes got bigger in surprise. Did the fact that I wouldn't tell him every single detail of my life meant that we were not best friends anymore? What would he do if he found out I kept this incredibly huge secret from him all these years?

“Niall, it’s not what you-”

“No, wait.” he cut me, leaving me motionless, my lips parting. “I come here to tell you I dumped Maya and I find you cuddling Harry?”  

He shook his head, scoffed and turned around, clearly annoyed as he pulled on his hair. But all I could think about was that he had broken up with Maya. He was not with her anymore and it didn't matter why. I felt my whole body vibrate and I teared up. It was so wrong to be happy because of someone else's misfortune, I knew it, but I couldn't help it. I was ecstatic.

“It’s really not what you think, Niall.”

I held my breath when I heard Harry's voice. I had almost forgotten that he was there, silently witnessing Niall's break down and my embarrassment, but the fact that he added something seemed to piss Niall off even more.

“He’s right.” I let out with a small shrug. “And we weren’t cuddling.”

He turned to me quickly and faced me, making me hold my breath.

“Don’t lie to me, I have two functioning eyes!”

“Oh my god Niall calm down!”

The words escaped my mouth and I felt bad for a few seconds as he took a step back. I could have slapped him and he would probably have had the same reaction. I barely noticed Harry getting up and telling me he was leaving but i nodded and instinctively smiled. It seemed to take forever until he was gone. I could still hear him walk down the stairs on the other side of the door but all I could focus was Niall. We were staring at each other intensely and all I repeated in my head was 'I love him' over and over again, the words hitting my brain in a throbbing sensation, kind of like a hammer.

I breathed in, pushing locks of my hair behind my ears and brought my arms around my body as if I was trying to protect myself but I was not sure from what. From him? From being hurt? From.. myself? I breathed in and out a few times, trying to remain calm because I knew this conversation could turn wrong and I didn't want to.

“Harry and I are just friends, Niall, that’s all.” I explained again, waiting a few seconds before I continued. “I’m not getting back with him, Niall.”

“You know what? I don’t believe you!”

I thought my words and tone would calm him down but the truth was, he seemed even more pissed than before Harry left. I didn't know why, I didn't seem to understand, and I had no idea how to reassure him more.

“Why?” I wondered, taking a step closer to him. “I won’t go back with him!”

“And why wouldn’t you go back with him mm?” his voice raised and he threw his arms up. “He’s perfect, he clearly still has feelings for you and you two didn’t really have any reason to break up.”

Of course I hadn't told Niall that the reason Harry broke up with me was because he knew I had feelings for Niall. I had kept this an other secret and whenever he would ask, I told him I didn't want to talk about it, resulting in him thinking there was actually no  valid reason. I knew I should tell him but I also knew I didn't have the courage to.

“Because… that’s not how it works, Nee.” I replied, shaking my head and avoiding his eyes as I tried not to get too mad.

It was not easy. I couldn't believe he was not seeing it. I couldn't believe he didn't want to see it. It made me mad in a way I couldn't explain. The kind of anger that makes you want to cry until you're completely dry. I was tired that he'd doubt me when I loved him so much. I was tired to have to share him when I was all his. I was so fucking tired to love him without getting anything back in return.

“WHY?”

“BECAUSE I LOVE YOU OKAY!?”

Silence fell between us but I suddenly felt myself become lighter. My heartbeats came back to a normal pace as if my heart had been beating harder than it should have had in the past weeks. I could feel hope and warmth invade my whole body and although I hated myself for it, I also felt better, way better than I had felt in months... years, even. I hadn't realized how heavy this secret was before letting it out.

“What?”

His voice was low and I could hear fear.

“I love you Niall. I’m in love with you.” I let out, swallowing hard but realizing the lump I used to have in my throat wasn't there anymore. “I’ve always been. Since the day I found out what love was, I knew the love of my life was you. I didn’t stop loving you, not even half a second. It’s always been you, and no one else.”

“That makes… no sense.” he expressed in a murmur, taking a step back and making me bite my bottom lip gently.

“Except it makes all the sense in the world, Niall, don’t you think?” My voice was just as low, if not lower, but I knew he could hear me perfectly. He was focused on me the same way I was concentrating on him. “Don’t you think we make sense?”

“As best friends, yea.” he said a little louder, now completely calm. “As.. maybe a bit more than that, sure. We make sense as ambiguous best friends that people question, okay, I get that.”

I don't think he realized what he was saying but to me, it meant exactly that. We were best friends that were more than best friends. We were best friends that were meant to be with each other. Not many people keep childhood friends in their life while being just as close to them as they always were. Did he not see that our relationship was unique? Or was I imagining all this? No, he just didn't see it. He didn't want to see it. And it hit me that I was right. I was going to lose him because he didn't love me. He didn't love me even if everyone tried to convince me that he did.

“But Olivia, you and I? As a couple?” he shook his head and shrugged as if it meant nothing. “No, it doesn’t make sense. It wouldn’t work.”

I had a million thoughts running in my mind normally but since Niall got here, I could only think about my love for him. That's all that seemed to matter. It was obsessing me. I looked up at him after a few seconds and licked my lips.

“Do you love me, Niall?”

I watched him as he literally closed right in front of me, putting his hands in his pockets and withdrawing into himself. He was trying to find a way to answer me without hurting me, I knew it. I knew Niall so well it was scary yet beautiful. This story, I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

“You always ask me that question. My answer is still the same.”

I took an other step closer and tilted my head more. He knew what I meant, and I wanted him to answer me. I needed to hear it, no matter what the answer would be. It was too late anyway, I couldn't go back, and if I wanted to be honest, I didn't want to go back.

“I mean real love.”

I was very close to him, now, and I tilted my head up to look in his eyes. My head was throbbing with fear yet I felt calm and serene as I waited. He looked down in my eyes and I told myself that no one else looked that good from that angle. Niall always looked good. He also smelled good, so good that it made me slightly dizzy. His eyes roamed on my face and I held my breath, enjoying the way he was looking at me. I knew I didn't look like the kind of girl he dated, liked or fucked, but love was more than that, right? Love was not physical, it was emotional, mental.. it came from the soul, the heart, from deep inside. He brought his hand up and his fingertips brushed on my cheek. It felt so amazing I had to stop myself from tearing up. His thumb rubbed gently on my cheekbone and my eyes fluttered a bit. I wanted to cry and I was not even sure why.

“I can’t.” his hand slipped from my face as he took a step back and my heart stopped. “I’m sorry.”

He turned around, his back facing me, and it seemed like I was too far from him now. I almost forgot how to breathe.

“Niall…”

He didn't move. He just shook his head.

“I’m sorry.”

I watched him grab the knob and open the door before leaving and i couldn't tell how long I stayed motionless, just staring at the spot he was in, after he left. And just like that, the lump was back in my throat and the heavy feeling was smothering me again.

                                                          ----

It took me a few days to realize that Niall wouldn't call or try to get in contact with me. I had avoided phone calls even thought Julie, Liam, Harry and even Louis had tried to talk to me. I was just not ready to face anyone and I didn't want them to tell me that Niall would eventually come back or worse, that they felt sorry for me. It's only after about two weeks of loneliness that I heard a knock at my door. I thought it was one of my neighbors since no one had rang before and I opened the door without thinking. Had it been too long since I saw an other human (excluding the chinese delivery guy)? Perhaps, but when I saw who was on the other side, I regretted answering.

Louis sent me a grin and leaned against the door frame as I stared at him. We were not really close and it was a bit surprising to see him but I didn't ask anything. I just raised my eyebrows and tilted my head, trying to push away the hope inside me that it had something to do with Niall.

"Can I help you?"

He grabbed the cigarette behind his ear and handed it to me but I just shook my head before he put it between his lips.

"Can I come in?" he asked after lighting it up and taking a puff. "We need to talk."

"We can talk here." I just answered a bit roughly, making him chuckle.

"Why so wild?" he wondered, amused.

I sighed and tried to calm myself, shrugging a shoulder.

"I don't know, I guess i'm trying to get rid of everything that makes me think of Niall or that links me to him, which includes you."

"I'm not Niall, you should remember that." he pointed out. "And you and I are friends, independently of him, so be prepared to find a fucking great friend in me, Liv."

I wanted to be pissed but the truth was, I could see myself in Louis and he was entertaining. Plus, I couldn't push away everyone, and apparently some of them were stubborn and persistent. No matter why Louis was here for, I knew that in the end, i'd do what he'd ask me to. I was ready to resist but it was inevitable.

"What do you want, 'Tommo'?" I asked, raising my eyebrows and making him laugh at the nickname his friends give him.

"Good, you're a fast learner." he smirked, pulling again on his cigarette. "See, we're going out for my birthday tonight, and you're formally invited."

I frowned, knowing deep down that it was a fucking bad idea but considering it anyway. I was tired to be alone and even worse, to drink alone. Perhaps doing it with a few friends would help me get some things off my mind.

I turned to look at the window, watching snowflakes fall gently and slowly in front of it and I let out a sigh.

"I don't know, Louis, I have nothing to wear anyway."

"Liv, it's a bar, not a ball." he expressed, raising his eyebrows. "A pair of jeans and your converse and you're ready to go. Unless you want to do something with your hair."

I rolled my eyes and grimaced.

"Oh shut up!" I groaned, making him laugh again, before I shrugged, losing my smile. "Is he gonna be there?"

Louis sighed and shook his head.

"You have to come, Liv, it's my birthday."

"Well technically..."

"Olivia, it's my fucking birthday!" he expressed, cutting me short. "I don't know if Niall's gonna be there, I lean towards no, but I can't make any promise."

I stared at him, watching the smoke from his cigarette move between us, twisting and turning on itself. I breathed in and sighed louder than I should have as his lips curled more. He knew I was giving in and I knew it too.

"Give me ten minutes." I just said, leaving the door open and turning around to go get dressed.

"Make it fifteen, love." he joked as I heard the door close behind him. "Spend five more on your hair."

Without turning around, I moved my arm up to show him my middle finger and heard him laugh from my room.

                                                       ---

The bar was not as crowded as I thought but the closer we got to the table, the harder my heart was beating. I didn't know if I was relieved of disappointed when we finally reached it and I noticed that Niall wasn't there but I just smiled and sat next to Julie who greeted me all while holding Liam's hand on the table. Eleanor was there too, along with Lottie and a her boyfriend and a few more people I didn't know. I noticed Harry who was coming back from the bar with a beer pitcher and when he sat next to me, I sent him a big smile.

"I'm glad you're here." he admitted, bending down a bit closer. "I didn't think Louis would convince you. I was actually pretty sure you wouldn't even open your door."

"He didn't ring." I explained with a grimace. "I thought it was a neighbor."

Harry nodded, closing his eyes with a smile. "Clever."

I laughed a bit and shook my head. "Yea, I guess!"

He poured beer in my empty mug and I thanked him before taking a sip. I was not a big fan of beer but it was still free alcohol and I was always in for that.

"It was not against you, you know." I pointed out, hoping he would understand.

"I know." he said in a low tone, turning his mug in his hand. "I didn't take it personal. I know you didn't answer Julie or Louis' calls either. No worries."

I was glad no one had mentioned Niall to me yet but I couldn't pretend that it was not surprising me. They all had tried to contact me about him and now that they finally got a hold of me, no one was even hinting at him. I was just telling myself how odd it was when something caught my attention.

I recognized him immediately as he walked on the small stage in front of our table. A projector was turned on, suddenly lighting him as he sat on a stool in front of a small piano. My heart stopped completely when I saw him. It felt like I hadn't seen him in years. He looked good and he hadn't changed and somehow, that thought made me tear up. I knew it was Louis' birthday and that he wouldn't miss it and perhaps that was why I was here : to see him for maybe the very last time. I was lying to myself when I pretended it was okay that he had left and that I had made the right choice. The right choice was him and I had lost him.

"I'm sorry to cut your discussions short." he apologized in the microphone and that's when I realized he was going to sing. "I promise it'll only take a few minutes of your time."

No matter what he was going to sing, I knew it would be a song that would haunt me for the rest of my life. It would be the song I would always cry on, the last song my best friend had sang in front of me, and just thinking about it made me tear up again.

"Recently, i've questioned myself a lot about what I want and how I feel. I've never been good at expressing my feelings and I know it's hurt some people. It's hurt the most important person in my life. I've hurt her over and over again through the years without knowing or.. maybe I just didn't want to know. I was in denial but now i'm not anymore. I can't keep my eyes and heart closed."

I frowned but then my eyes opened wider. I didn't want to look around myself, I knew they were all looking at me, and I wanted to focus on Niall and just him. Was it wrong of me to think he was talking about me? Was I hallucinating? Or lying to myself again? I couldn't help but think I should get up and leave but I didn't want to and even if I had wanted, I couldn't have. I was stuck on this chair, my hands gripping my beer, my fingers turning red from the tight squeeze I had on it without even realizing it. He let his fingers slide on a few keys and I could swear my heart vibrated at the same time. He cleared his throat and when he started playing, I felt my heart sink in my chest.

"Looking back through changes Where we started from Don't know about you but I knew it wasn't wrong You know I kept a place For you in my mind And I know you did the same 'Cause you're just that kind."

I had stopped breathing but I started crying. I wasn't even ashamed of my tears and anyway, I couldn't stop them.

"So if we knew all along Why did it take so long? We've known since we were young So why did it take so long? You know you make me feel loved Make me feel like I'm home So if we knew all along Why did it take so long?"

His eyes met mine and I breathed in, trying not to blink. I saw guilt on his face but also something else, something I had seen before but that I could never decipher. He stared at me as he sang, his eyes leaving me briefly from time to time only to look at his own fingers move on the keys.

"Moving on You and I started looking back Now we've got to make up For all the wasted time You know I'd never let you just walk on by From the day that I met you I knew you'd be mine, yeah."

My mind was blank as I tried to understand the lyrics. My heart was saying it was love and my head was telling me to keep it real, that Niall didn't love me and that he had made it clear. But did he ever say that? Did he ever tell me that he didn't love me?

"So if we knew all along Why did it take so long? We've known since we were young Why did it take so long? You know you make me feel loved Make me feel like I'm home So if we knew all along Why did it take so long?"

I was paralyzed and crying in a bar surrounded by strangers but also friends, friends who knew exactly why I was there and that this would happen. A bunch of feelings rushed inside me but I remained motionless as something twisted in my stomach and did the same to my heart at the same time. It's only when he sang the bridge that I realized that my tears had flood my cheeks and that I didn't want to wipe them. It's only when he sang those words that it hit me hard, so hard I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore.

"Just started, it's just started I'm having trouble believing it's true Just started, just started Now we got nothing to prove."

He loved me, didn't he? He was telling me exactly that but my mind wouldn't process it. I had spent so many nights trying to reason myself and get it to my head that Niall would never have these feelings for me and he was there, just singing his heart out to me through a song I had never heard before and I felt my heart jump higher than ever in my chest at the thought that he may have written it for me.

He sang the chorus again and when I heard the last notes, I heard claps around me. A lot of people got up, I heard some whistles and screams, but I couldn't move. Niall got up and moved his head as a thank you before getting off the stage and without realizing it, I got up and walked up to him. I didn't care that I was in front of a bunch of people. I didn't care that everyone was looking at us. I was so close to him that I had to look up to dive my gaze in his. He looked down and shook his head slightly, his face twisting in a guilty and sad expression.

"I'm so sorry, Olivia." he whispered, and I was surprised I could hear him so clearly through all the noise around us. "I was a fucking idiot."

His large hands cupped my face, his fingers pressing on my cheeks, jaw and neck as my heartbeats accelerated. I remained silent, I just wanted to hear what he had to say. I needed it. And I couldn't help but think that I deserved it.

"I love you." he whispered, bending down, his lips almost touching mine. "I feel like I always did. I was not ready, I didn't want to ruin things, I was scared. Those are all bad reasons and I regret them."

I nodded slowly and swallowed hard. It made me realize the lump was gone again and when he wiped my tears with his thumbs, I felt my lips curl slightly.

"I love you." he repeated.

I only closed my eyes when his lips were on mine. They moved slowly and softly against mine. I brought both my hands to his wrists as his grip on my face tightened. I had to touch him if only to convince myself this was real. I needed to touch him to be sure he wouldn't just disappear and that I wouldn't wake up alone in my bed. But this was true, he was there, he was kissing me, and the way he tasted was beyond all my expectations.

His lips parted mine to deepen the kiss and I could swear I heard someone yell "Fucking finally!" behind me. I smiled through the kiss and I could feel Niall do the same. His lips brushed up against mine and a shiver ran up my spine before he grabbed my upper lip between his to kiss me again. No one had ever kissed me like that and I knew that no one else ever would.

"You still love me, yea?" he whispered, his mouth leaving small but soft kisses on the corner of my lips and his hands still holding my jaw.

I chuckled against his mouth as he kissed me again. I felt like he would never stop and I didn't want him to stop anyway. I felt overjoyed and my whole body was throbbing

"Don't be stupid." I whispered. "I always have and I always will."

[beevean]

honestly the point that you (and others) are making about how terrible that "all (straight) men" culture is is so so so important. I was kind of sliding into it slowly even though I have had very few negative incidents with men irl so I'm blaming it 100% on the tumblr rhetoric. and I say "kind of" because I knew it wasn't true but it was in fact getting into my head and as someone who's trying to figure out their sexuality and is leaning towards bisexuality it was affecting me pretty badly 1/?

and that one post you made a few weeks back (I believe) about how the "all men" rhetoric is actually also bad for women attracted to men spoke to me so much, it was kind of a wake up call so thanks a lot for that. anyways long story just to tell you that I 100% agree with you and that I'm glad there's people here who dare to say this although there are a lot of other people who undoubtedly attack you for it so thanks. really (2/2)

I’m very very proud that you managed to distance yourself from that mentality! :D and I’m honored that I could help you in any way :>

I also went through a period in which I was slowly becoming a misandrist - I was very paranoid that all men around me thought of me as something lesser, that if I walked alone some men might have raped me, and that if I entered a relationship my hypothetical boyfriend would have abused me and no one would have helped me. Not surprisingly, I was suffering from mild depression (and one of the reasons of it was coming to terms with the fact that my dad is a piece of shit lol, sometimes stereotypes are true), so no wonder it was easy for me to think half of the population hated me and I was in constant danger just by existing.

The point is, I understand how it could be easy to generalize and think that straight men, or whatever category you don’t belong to, are dangerous. It can be comforting, in a twisted way. It’s the same mechanism that leads some people to think that all immigrants are criminals - you feel like you won’t risk getting hurt, because you’re being extra careful. But it doesn’t really help, it’s just harmful, and not just to the people being directly targeted - hell, it’s harmful to yourself, because it’s not healthy to be filled with so much fear and contempt for an entire chunk of the population. As other people pointed out, the Tumblr brand of social justice prefers to tear down rather than build up, and it causes collateral damage that often gets ignored because it’s not convenient.

This message really cheered me up, btw, so thank you for writing this :>

[janiedean]

Bro the Queen thing was just for a laugh lol let gay people make jokes

bro, if you had said ‘let gay people make jokes that make them sound like four year olds that just found out kindergarten exists’ I could have taken you seriously, but since you still can’t get into your thick performative activist heads that it’s not funny for anyone except maybe the three of you, I’ll explain you a few brief facts:

one: ¾ths of queen are straight so assuming they wouldn’t understand song they wrote and played (beyond somebody to love) already shows that you haven’t thought this joke through;

two: freddie mercury made a goddamned point to not make his sexuality a selling point or the only part of him people would be interested in when listening to his *music*, so your dumb jokes are something he would most likely fucking hate;

three: sorry to break it to you, but with all the sales queen had, going statistically, I can assure you more than half of their fanbase is straight, so congrats on assuming millions of people don’t get the bands they like;

four: music is an extremely subjective thing that tells different things to different people regardless of the original target of the song. I’ve seen articles titled ‘how I, a lesbian person, realized springsteen’s music wasn’t just for male cishet middle-aged guys’ in which people said that to them, a song that’s blatantly about a guy who killed someone and hightails it out of town and hopes that the border patrol doesn’t stop him, felt like it was about wanting to leave somewhere you had to stay in the closet and felt suffocated because you couldn’t come out. now, that’s nowhere near the original meaning of the song, but if for the lesbian author that related on that level… who the hell am I to make posts like ‘lesbians don’t understand springsteen songs’? spoilers: no one;

five: one reasons queen actually made it big was that their songs are actually very much relatable on a bunch of different levels and as I explained some ass who made jokes about how *straights* wouldn’t get I want to break free (written by a straight man btw but I see that now at least y’all are having the decency to pick songs that freddie wrote to throw shade at the straights TM, huh?), just that ONE song can be relatable for, FOR EXAMPLE, people with depression, people stuck in a phase of their life they hate, someone getting over a bad relationship and lgbt people who want to come out. and the lyrics to I want to break free are hardly extra complicated or difficult or obscure. of course then you have borap which no one still understands and freddie refused to explain but like… it’s IT CAN BE WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT regardless of whether their lyrics are obscure or the entire contrary. that was what made queen sell the number of records they did - because they make songs people can relate to, genius;

six: the fact that your ***joke*** assumes straight people can’t in any way shape or form conceive a life where they feel like they’ll be forever alone and no one will love them or they will never find a relationship says all about how **funny** it is because it implies dehumanizing an entire category of people and assuming they don’t have feelings or can’t conceive what y’all go through, which then turns into People On This Hellsite sending straight people TM the worst kind of bullshit and vile anons just because since we have no feelings and we’re supposed to take all your dumb unfunny jokes then it’s fine. idk, since I’ve been here according to you I should have laughed at:a) people telling me at thirty I was too old for anything and I should look for a husband and get married already;b) people telling me I was a homophobe/half of this dumbass website blocking me on sight for informing y’all that straight women find men sexually attractive as a general rule - no, really;c) someone telling me once that they hoped I’d find someone I would trust implicitly and give all of myself to in bed just to have them tell me the moment after we’re done that I was ugly and unlovable and I deserved to die alone;e) being called a bitch/homophobe an insane amount of times for pointing out that straight women who don’t look standard attractive have issues;f) people questioning why I went to therapy because I happen to relate to a character in a straight ship that they hated and the reasons why I went are Issues That Character Has.that was just the first six instances I could think of because they were personal but I assure you, your rhetoric about straight people TM being dehumanized aliens who hate y’all isn’t helping literally anyone;

seven: as someone who has fucking struggled with years with the issues the somebody to love narrator has (I did look at the mirror and felt horrible/almost cried when I was a teenager, I did wake up each morning feeling like shit for half of my time in uni, I’ve been struggling with managing initiating contact with other people since high school fucked me up in that sense, I’ve been told that I could never be attractive enough to find someone who’d love me and that I was too brainy or ugly or extra or threatening for men to even look at me and so on) and who has always found that song immediately relatable which is why, surprise surprise, out of all the songs freddie mercury wrote on his own for this band - not counting the march of the black queen but that’s another story - somebody to love is absolutely my single favorite and has always been since the second I heard it, because to me it was relatable at seventeen and it’s relatable now, the moment I read that fucking ****joke**** I literally felt a bout of vomit rise up in my throat, my stomach closed up and for a second I felt like crying as your joke was implying that my straightness disqualified me from understanding/liking a song I’ve loved and felt deeply for half of my life, but I suppose that doesn’t mean anything in comparison to the fact that you **gays of tumblr** need to have a laugh at the expense of 85% of the planet and not, idk, homophobes? no, you never say HOMOPHOBES COULDN’T UNDERSTAND QUEEN or whatever the fuck it is, you say straight people can’t. if you don’t see where the fuck is your problem I’d advise you to really go back to kindergarten because usually you realize that other people have feelings at about that age and I have a feeling that if this is your reasoning for saying I should shut up and have a laugh at my own expanse, well, you’re just an asshole;

eight: newsflash, bro, some people use music to cope with just about anything. I’m not the only person I know who has a fairly damned visceral personal relationship with the music she listens to, to the point where I can do the art is not the artist thing np with just about any media except music - I can watch a movie made by a person I despise or whose political views I despise, if I think it’s a good movie, I can’t physically listen to music from people I despise or whose political views I despise. heck, every time my local rock music station airs current lynyrd skynyrd’s music I mute it because their lyrics make me want to hurl and I actually do like the melody half of the time, but I can’t listen to them. and I know people who are way worse than me about this. if you show up basically telling me (or whoever else) that bands we like and helped us through whatever fucking shit life threw at us are now Not A Thing We Can Like Or Understand Anymore you’re being an asshole and for a thing that makes no sense because the beautiful thing about MUSIC in general is that everyone finds the music they like relatable for different fucking reasons even if it’s the same artist and your dumbass attempts at **gatekeeping** bands that existed since before you were born and straight people listened to since before you were born and whose records they bought before you were born is honestly just so fucking ridiculous and really kindergarten-level that if that is what you need to have a laugh I advise you to develop some sense of humor, because you sure as hell ain’t got one.

good enough for you? your joke wasn’t funny. deal with it e stacce.

also: I’m fucking done giving a shit about what kind of dumbass jokes at the expense of **straight people** y’all think is cool to make on here. are we oppressed for being straight? sure af not. but since most straight people on here are actually allies and support your rights and uh, are also human beings that aren’t just useful when you need someone to reblog your info posts informing us that ***straight people can reblog!!! :)))*** underneath after having reblogged your fucking jokes ten minutes earlier, I really don’t give a fuck about your need to have a laugh at the expanse of other people’s feelings and I’m going to reblog all the people telling you that y’all ain’t funny until my fingers fall off.

ps: did you send this message also to the pansexual user who called that dumbass OP on their bullshit before I did? just for science.

pps: grow the fuck up, it’s been time since years and y’all have about played all of your ‘it was just a joke’ cards a hell of a long time ago.

[thegreymoon]

Sorry, You didn't really say or do anything to make me think that you are Asian. I thought that I read sth in your lj where u said that you were and just run with it. It was a long time ago and I must have misread. Also, you don't really post a lot political stuff, it is more like I notice it more because when I visit your page I skip all Merlin related stuff and am interested in the rest so again my fault. As for my ise of imaginary- yeah, it was passive agressive, altough not intentionally so

… my bad. I rarely engage in political conversations online because it never ends well, especially when my views clash with 90% of tumblr users so I am used to combative tone and it was unnecessary.. As for SJW I am not sure if that is dissmissive term as it discribes the “movement” well? I am not native speaker and am aware that it can be used as derogative term, but was also convinced that it is used by people on the left if political spectrum. I asked you why you are mainy interesetd in USA because I was working under the assumption that u are Asian it seemed to me weird that a person coming from China/Japan etc would be championing social justice in USA when it not that big of a problem(or at all IMO) whie ignoring very real problems in their own country. But since you are not Asian and you post political stuff rarely you are right it is a silly discussion. The fault is completely on my side. I am allergic to these kind of stuff and you are one of my favourite writers so I exaggerated. Once again sorry.

As for the rest of your response: I also come from relatively poor country that was screwed over by both Britain and USA and many other countries, and I don’t agree with many of their policies (or most) but I don’t hate them and believe that as much as people like to say they start wars for the oil etc it is not really true. There are many political and global players and everyone single country is motivated by greed it is only that not every country can exercise their power.  

Relatively they are not the worst, it is just that since USA tries to paint themselves as heroes they are held to different, much higher standards than other countries. To sum it up, I am not defending their foreign policies, they have done a lot of wrong and are shortseighted but I still think that are better than other superpowers that will soon take over like China or maybe India. Also, I don;t understand why would you include global warming in your answer?why do you believe it is their fault

I am trying to leave as “green” as I can, I am a vegetarian and I believe we should do everything to preserve environment, but I wouldnt want my country to sign any deals concerning CO2 emission as long as other countries do not do the same. Otherwise, they would just cripple their economy and not help the world? As for Trump(if you are still interested) I find him the epitome of self-important, conceited stereotypical american but still so much better than alternative and despite distaste. would still vote for him. Because he at least apppears to be anti globalist and has a much higher moral ground than Hillary. what are his SPECIFIC actions that you find so abhorrent? Anyway, what I alluded to in my message was not politics of USA but the social justcie issues, like support BLM or me to movement(I am not sure if you posted enything regarding that, so srry if I presume wrongly) which I find are absolutely not based on facts and despite that people still perpetuate that, and if u don’t agree you are racist and sexist. No arguments whatsoever. It is also silly to me when I see the posts about the West being this cesspool of sexism while honour killings or FGM is nearly a non issue on social media or racism when considering the West is still the least racist place in the world when you compare it to China/India/SA or any other place. So, I find the social media effort to be misdirected and controlled by emotions. Even the indigineous people issued you mentioned. Americans get so much shit for their history, while pretty much every single country that exist was created by conquering or displacement of the previous population(u just have to go far enough down the history). So, yeah wht happend to Indigenous people and dissappearance of their whole civilization is a great tragedy but not the first and unfortunately not the last in human history. Why are we hearing about it but not about Anuit people or Persian or Byzantians? it is so imbalanced. Ok, anyway, sorry for the rant it shouldn’t be directed at you and tumblr is definitely not the place for it. Sorry if I offended to you. As I said I love your writing, “DC” is my all time favourite fic, and because I creepely once read through all of your lj(including asks and responses) I(like an internet creep and stalker)liked you and thought you seemed smart, well balanced and knowledgeable so I guess I felt entitled to to make the ask. Wish you all the best in life. 

No worries, I’m sorry I came off so aggressive in my answer. I did actually live and work in China for a while during my LJ days and it’s entirely possible I may have tagged myself as being there on my fandom profiles at the time. It was a happy period for me and I talked about it a lot to anyone who had the patience to listen, so it’s very plausible that you have read something about it on my LJ! I’m very sorry if it was misleading, but I was only ever an expat there!

I used to be a lot more open about my real name and real-life dealings in fandom communities, but that almost backfired spectacularly, so I locked down a lot of stuff because it could do me quite a bit of damage. 

OK, I concede your point that if you remove the Merlin stuff, a lot of what is left on my Tumblr is going to be either me reblogging cats or raging about social injustices (oops) 😅

I’d just like to make it clear that I absolutely do not hate either the USA, the UK or any other country in the world. Like I said, people are people, and disgusting policies are disgusting policies and every single country is guilty of them. It’s just that some have a bigger impact and are more visible. My own country is a source of so much shame and anger for me, it far outweighs anything the UK and the USA could have ever done because it’s personal, but our nonsense is just not something that I come across when casually scrolling through Tumblr, so I don’t reblog it. It’s possible to love a nation and its people and still be critical of the evil they have done. 

Also, let me just clarify that I’m bothered by all injustices and human rights violations everywhere, but usually there isn’t a post about them when I’m scrolling at 2 am at night that I can reblog. The USA is just… low hanging fruit, and let’s face it, from where I stand, hating on their president, the white supremacists, the Nazis, fundamental Christians, racists and the Republicans in general after what they have turned into is not hating on the USA, but rather cheering on the sane part of the country to get rid of this toxic waste ASAP. The same goes for Brexiteers in the UK and I am so, so sad for all the people that are going to suffer because of it. 

Of course, I’m aware that China and Japan have issues and human rights violations that are mind-boggling, but again, they just don’t appear on my dash very often, or at least not in English or from a source I can easily fact-check. The Japanese and Chinese stuff I follow is mostly art, nature and pictures of pretty clothes. My knowledge of either of these countries is very superficial compared to Western countries, which impact me directly, so it really isn’t my place to appoint myself as a champion of human rights in the Far East when my own country and continent are a growing dumpster fire that cannot be contained.  

On the subject of global warming, I’m not blaming the USA (entirely, because they, of course, played their part, but so did the rest of humanity). I’m enraged by their governing body’s rhetoric as of late, the denial of climate change, every single action that Trump took since taking office (such as withdrawing from the Paris climate agreement), him making ignorant, snide remarks in the middle of the polar vortex just days ago while people were suffering, deliberately sabotaging scientists and spreading dangerous, false information when each and every single country should be all-hands-on-deck if we want to avert a disaster of global proportions (especially with all the signs pointing to us being too late already). Nobody is suggesting that the USA should unilaterally reduce carbon emissions, all countries in the world must do it and develop the technology to make it feasible to convert to clean energy. And yes, the USA, China and other giants have to lead the way because they are the ones with the power! My poor, tiny country is not the one that can impact anything, so yes, the USA is absolutely more responsible to lead the way forward, but instead of at least moving in the right direction, Trump is deliberately lying and sabotaging all effort because he likes the money he gets from Big Oil companies, and he’s giving a platform to religious nutcases for votes, who think that there won’t be a global disaster of epic proportions in the near future because God promised Noah he would never again flood the entire Earth in the Old Testament. It’s not even the outright evil that is bothering me the most right now, but the mind-numbing stupidity. 

I have nothing but loathing for both of the Clintons. They have caused so much destruction in my country and I do not want good things for either of them, ever. I will never pretend that Hillary Clinton is anything even resembling a good person because you do not reach that level of power by having a conscience, but at the very least, she is not a rapist and paedophile that the general public knows of (which is more than we can say for her husband, btw). Trump has no moral high ground whatsoever, IMO. He has done everything imaginable, from scamming charities (this was proven in court) to raping minors (see Epstein). He has no redeemable human characteristics and is not even intelligent enough to pretend that he does, which is at least one thing that Hillary has going for her. I’m not going to sit here and list all the reasons why Trump is abhorrent because a) it cannot fit in a Tumblr post b) I would be sitting here for years. 

I will also not engage in discussion about whether or not BLM is a valid movement, ever. I don’t understand what you mean when you say it isn’t based on ‘facts’. Which, facts are in doubt, exactly? It’s based on multigenerational, still ongoing trauma and persecution of an entire race of people! I’m neither black nor an American, but I believe African-American people when they talk about the terror they experience on a daily basis in their own country. I have eyes and I have ears, I know plenty of white people and have insight into how they think because I too am white and have been raised with similar bullshit. I have lived in Africa for years and seen things with my own eyes. I will never not take the side of black people when they protest racism anywhere and I will never not believe them when they talk about police brutality, race-based violence and systemic racism in countries built on slavery. 

Of course, I’m not saying racism doesn’t exist in other places and in other forms, but talking about one does not negate the other. 

Also, I don’t understand the point you’re trying to make about the West not being sexist because other places have it worse? I’m sure I misunderstood this, so forgive me if that is the case. FGM is terrible, yes, but that in no way invalidates other types of gender violence that still ruins the lives of countless women. Just because the women in, say, Saudi Arabia have it worse, that doesn’t mean that the women here or in the USA should not talk about issues that directly affect them (and, btw, I have absolutely been outraged about Saudi Arabia and FGM and shared posts about both). All are bad! This is not a competition. 

On the topic of you saying that America gets so much shit for its history, which you think is unjust, I have to mention that European settlers killed up to 95% of Native Americans in some areas in relatively recent history. Just days ago, I was reading an article about how they killed so many people, it actually changed the global climate! This is genocide on such a massive scale, my brain can’t even comprehend it, and yet here we are today, with Columbus Day and Thanksgiving as holidays while the surviving Native Americans suffer all kinds of indignity and discrimination, so no, I don’t think we are talking about it enough and I feel that America deserves all the shit it gets for its history. IMO, it is not getting enough shit! The fact that there are other issues out there that need to be talked about too and are being silenced does not in any way take away from any of this. 

Anyway, let’s not argue about which country is The Worst™ and which human rights issues are more worthwhile than others because that is pointless. We already agree that all governments are corrupt, that evil happened and is still happening all over the world and that all human rights issues are important. I firmly believe that if they were to be evaluated by a psychiatrist, 99% of all high-ranking politicians would be diagnosed with serious clusters of antisocial personality disorders. Most of them would do anything and the only thing stopping them is whether or not they can get away with it. The remaining 1% cannot really do much and keep both their conscience and political power intact. 

In any case, the last thing I want in life is to get into Tumblr discourse with LJ people, so how about we just put this behind us? Let’s agree to disagree on who is worse, Trump or Hillary, because that is a pointless disagreement, especially since neither of us is an American and this is getting out of hand. I feel like we are actually miscommunicating and talking about different things. We seem to be arguing different points, so all of it is coming off worse for both of us than it really should be. Also, I wish you hadn’t sent me this ask anonymously, because I now have no way of responding to you except publically, and Tumblr is seriously not a good place for this. 

On a happier note, I’m very glad that you enjoyed DC! I’m very sorry for the extremely long hiatus! Unfortunately, I’ve been going through things that stopped me from writing for a long time. I hope that one day I can still come back and finish that story, in spite of everything! Have a good day/night! :)

*hugs*

[gurguliare]

Okay here we GO Twilight Mirage futura free part 4 THOUGHTS, COMPLETE,* OFFICIAL:

I am strangely proud of Janine for pulling off a sustained, often exhilarating character arc that seemed... so dislocated from the main cast’s web of relationships? That sounds backhanded but I don’t mean it that way at all, I vastly enjoyed all of the independent storytelling Janine did in the finale. I thought Signet was far and away the mvp of part 4 and the keystone of what did work about the resolution with Crystal Palace. Um, but I’m just commenting because it was interesting to listen to something so self-contained within the messy larger story. The rooftop chase was wonderful! It really encapsulated what was, for me, some of the initial magic of the ship game way back at the start of the season, which was this sense of The Utopia imagined in terms of this adventurous personal excellence, this absolute freedom to go above and beyond, and to do so in the service of further freedom---I mean, inasmuch that Signet is both inventing third options and doing so with the goal of securing meaningful escape for everyone, and also, she transforms even necessity by showing off and delighting in it. And it made me happy to have the logic of the original ship game reversed, so that the same ethos which was admirable but doomed when used passively, in defense of the fleet, here becomes an unbeatable ambush---as seen through the eyes of Keen Forester Gloaming. I can’t believe I’m now a propaganda machine for high heels action sequence. Whatever, it’s fine. I also was like, SO BRIEFLY EXCITED about the reframing of Crystal Palace as a problem not for its omniscience but for its being, you know, an annihilation-class object, the Oberstein of supercomputers, responsible for more destruction than any knowledge can justify.

But then it went away again for Arbit. How did I feel about Arbit? “Lol.” I mean, thankfully they elaborated on it so much that I started picturing it as a fucking... stone soup thing where the cult of Arbit generated so much ~chaotic complexity that the Crystal Palace was stymied anyway, but idk. I much preferred “everywhere, the Crystal Palace is singing!” to that second (and third and fourth etc) ending. Honestly I think if they wanted a remotely plausible “solution” to hard-determinist physical universe of the Twilight Mirage, which I know they did not, then the logical one is the Splice---surely if you want to talk about things that would outrun CP’s compute power, “people living out generations inside the matrix in the course of a year, then coming out again with all new memes” might have an impact. I suppose I could merge this with stone soup Arbit theory for “Grand continues to have really good timing, and no, he shouldn’t sleep at night.”

Uh... OUR PROFIT and TENDERNESS, twin queens of Cair Paravel: I lost my fucking shit. What a legend. I was a little disappointed Open Metal went with them rather than staying to assist/help transition out the Cadent Under Mirage, just because I feel like that’s a funnier followup to the holiday special? and also I feel like all the attempts to patch on more reasons why “and this unbelievably valuable unmoderated resource will never invite corruption” just sort of, uh, drew more attention to the fantasy impossibility, which I guess is why Austin filled all the way up and had to vent horrific bad-end steam in an unrelated playground.

(What was that btw. no seriously, what a hilariously violent clapback to poor Echo’s bid to save the DFS from itself, like, obviously we would hate to end up recreating Rapid Evening rhetoric but “these minor powers failing to initiate pointless war early on enabled them to unite and form a MUCH WORSE EMPIRE later” is... uh... Well, of course, it is not a justification for blind consequentialism.)

I liked Signet’s epilogue stuff the most also, though followed closely by Ali’s notes about how Anticipation adds fear verisimilitude to the online flamewar experience. I love Signet locked in mortality chicken with the Waking Cadent. I love Signet’s permanent open distrust of the Waking Cadent, who has probably completely mellowed out by year 50 of the new diaspora and just wants to hang out with her cold advisor and reminisce about hot axioms. I LOVE “Signet was very interested in the Rapid Evening.” I love Signet forcing Divines to sit down at the table and talk with their own mouths, which I presume to have been the major obstacle to Divine self-representation heretofore. Oh! Also! Before I forget, I was thrilled to actually get that last Belgard-Signet touchstone I was craving earlier, and it was exactly what I wanted---both the pretty-obvious-but-nice-to-have-confirmed thing about Signet abandoning Belgard on Belgard’s request, the larger point of Belgard hating her excerpts dying, the part where Belgard has to consent to Signet risking her life anyway, because that’s justice and that’s what marriage is about, justice---and finally Belgard safeguarding Signet’s humanity for the long cold space ages ahead. Which is also only fair, given that Belgard is Signet’s non-petty prime motive for turning into fucking Elrond. Ohhh I’m so fond.

As for the epilogue to the epilogue: I was first cynical about, then immediately charmed by, then cynical about “The Kingdom Come walkabout with higher production values.” I did laugh like a horse at “Fuck, I don’t know, emerald??” and also Signet earnestly commending Grandmagnificent for turning his life around, six months before she (but not anyone else, even Fourteen) burned him out of her moleskine address book forever. Wait, those were both still Janine things. GREAT WORK JANINE, I ENJOYED WORDS OTHER PEOPLE SAID TOO, PROBABLY

[butterflyinthewell]

Let’s clear up this hooey with “orlandomakeup” right here, right now.

* * * TW: Mentions of violence, attempted murder, rape culture, abuse, a suicide attempt, alcohol (spiked drink) and severe bullying. * * *

This post was typed with a calm mind. It’s not an angry retaliation. I want to set the facts straight on this issue. I have no desire for anyone to send hate to orlandomakeup or boycott them-- I only encourage a boycott of anything that supports Autism Speaks.

This person is not keen on keeping facts straight. They’re projecting their own behavior onto me. I’m merely laying out the facts and letting the rest of the chips fall where they may.

(Note: I made some minor edits and corrections because I was interrupted several times while trying to type this and it posted to my blog instead of drafts for some reason. It should all be correct now as of 1:35pm PST on August 5, 2017.)

First off, it sounds like orlandomakeup is a caregiver and not autistic themselves. The artist is not the problem, it’s the person promoting their art. I think the artist is unaware that Autism Speaks is harmful, but orlandomakeup seems to conveniently leave off any means of contacting the artist who painted the artwork.

Anyway, here’s the facts of what happened.

My reblog of the post in question. Orlandomakeup deleted the original, so you won’t find it on their page unless they reposted it from scratch.  http://butterflyinthewell.tumblr.com/post/163797108223/orlandomakeup-buy-a-painting-and-support-autism

They responded via the post comment system. It’s on the post, but I’ll put the text of it here, too: (images of the art left off to prevent the screenshot from getting huge, you can see them if you click the link I shared above.)

Their text on the post: 

“Buy a painting and support autism. 10% of sale will be donated to Autism Speaks. Painting created through the eyes of autism.

White snowflake on cobalt blue background. Acrylic paint. Small amount of blue glitter for added sparkle. Feeling of calm, winter, peace, tranquility, contentment. 16"x20" canvas.

#autism #autistic #abstractart #artforautism #aspergerssyndrome #autismspectrumdisorders #highfunctiningautism #autismspeaks #autisticartist #autismawareness #autismsupport #photooftheday #potd #abstractart #aspergers #lifewithautism #artforaspergers

(Ebay link left off to avoid it getting clicks.)”

My reblog text:  

“Don’t buy this art. The money goes to a charity that harms autistic people. I wish the OP would support ASAN instead at autisticadvocacy.org because that charity really helps autistic people without trying to silence or erase us.”

And their comment

“The artist is autistic, and Autism Speaks has never harmed her. You speak of bullying yet you bully. The artist has been bullied everyday of her life due to autism. She has even been held by gun and knife, shot and stabbed at, and beaten until left nearly for dead. Your hate exemplifies why people are bullies towards those of us with autism.”

They’re calling me a bully because I reblogged the linked post above and told people not to buy “this art” because it’s supporting Autism Speaks and said I wished the artist would support ASAN instead. ASAN (Autistic Self-Advocacy Network) is a charity run by autistic people that actually helps autistic people and not parents / caregivers / anybody except the actually autistic people. 

They equated my behavior to being bullied-- to being shot, stabbed, beaten, etc. Just...what? I was bullied in nearly the same way for being autistic, same as the artist. I was never shot at (thank God), but for all 4 years of high school I was threatened with rape and murder, survived a murder attempt, narrowly escaped a rape situation by refusing a drink spiked with vodka that would’ve intoxicated me to a blackout, I endured public humiliation on an almost daily basis and attempted suicide once because none of the authority figures who were supposed to protect me did shit to stop the bullying...

...and orlandomakeup is equating my saying “don’t buy this art because it supports Autism Speaks” to THAT?

Wow, talk about trivializing bullying. Just wow.

At no point do I say “ewww, don’t by this artist’s art ever!” or “eew, this art is ugly!” or “the artist sucks!”

All I did was point out that buying that art will support Autism Speaks, a charity that harms autistic people. 

Orlandomakeup is defending Autism Speaks on the grounds that “it never hurt them (the autistic artist)”.

Again, I need to remind people that defending a person or organization as “good” because “it / they didn’t hurt me / this person!” is like saying someone who abuses their spouse is a good person because they distribute food at a homeless shelter. That person may help the poor, but they still go home and beat the shit out of their spouse and they are NOT a good person.

Likewise, Autism Speaks is not a good organization. Just because (general) you saw it do good doesn’t mean it is good. It still stigmatizes and demonizes autism and their claim of “acceptance” is “accept that your child has an autism diagnosis, but don’t accept their autism.” Autism Speaks changed “cure” to “solution”. All they did was change a word, not their rhetoric. Autism Speaks is harmful to autistic people the same way PETA is harmful to animals. They care about profit, not lives.

So, I still ask-- where is the bullying behavior this orlandomakeup person claims I’m engaging in? Nowhere. Orlandomakeup, reblogged stuff about bullying and made one long callout post that doesn’t directly name me even though it’s very obviously about me. Keep in mind they did this after they blocked me, and I only found out because someone who follows me saw their post. I figured it would look at it out of curiosity. I plan to let this whole thing go after this point, but I want to clear the facts up before they get all muddled and twisted their through distorted view. 

Here is a link to their callout post. http://chicglamgeek.com/post/163823401339/fifty-shades-of-bullies  (DO NOT SEND HATE!!!)

ETA: Forgot a link due to constant interruptions while writing this post. Here’s their “bully” tag where they again attack me without naming me.  http://chicglamgeek.com/search/bullying  I didn’t bother screencapping. If they delete stuff, it just proves they’re trying to hide that they’re projecting their behavior onto me.

I also have a screenshot of their big post. Linked due to size. http://imgur.com/a/Dr4zG

The text of the post is in the description area below the image so that those who are blind or have trouble processing screenshots can read the post, too. I’ll add the text under the cut of this post just in case imgur farts.

They claim I’m showing “disdain” of the art when that’s not even close to what I was doing, but orlandomakeup won’t see any other POV except their own. I fully endorse buying the autistic artist’s art (because it’s beautiful art!), just don’t buy the art that supports Autism Speaks. 

If someone knows how to contact the autistic artist to tell them about A$, please do.

There. Those are the facts of the situation. I’m now washing my hands of it. Orlandomakeup can continue calling me a bully if they want. I wanted my side of the issue out there in case they continue trying to convince people that I bullied them. 

I did not bully orlandomakeup or the autistic artist. I am not saying orlandomakeup is a bad person.

Unfortunately, orlandomakeup is misrepresenting everything I said and is projecting their own behavior onto me. They could have blocked me and carried on, but they chose to write that long and obvious post and may be talking trash about me in private. (I have no way to know, nor do I care. I know who I am and what I represent.) 

Again, I say this is not posted in anger. I posted my side to ensure the facts are straight. From here on out orlandomakeup can say whatever they want about me, but I know I’m telling the truth to the best of my ability.

Please do not harass them or send hate. That solves nothing. 

If you feel an urge to send them something mean, do yourself a favor and close the tab instead, okay?

Text below. Bolding is their references to me.  Btw, I’m amused that they think I’m a Millennial. I’m not a Millennial. I was born in 1980. I just turned 37 (as of July 29, 2017).

There are two basic types of bullies.

1. Those who have full understanding of their actions and seek power and control.

2. Those who lack the intellectual capacity to understand their behavior.

The latter is the most dangerous, because there is no reasoning with them. They disparage and harass with the belief that they are doing no wrong. All bullies are shallow, insecure, and need numbers. They have no strength of their own. They are weak.

Millennials are exceedingly becoming the bullies about which they speak. They bully as a platform for drama and attention. They lack the intelligence to acknowledge their faults and how to conduct themselves. They lack professionalism and decency. Millennials suffer from narcissism. They think their lives and stories are more compelling, because they want attention. However, there are bullies well into their late ages that also have these characteristics.

These bullies can be found at any age and are not confined to school. They are coworkers, neighbors, strangers, and, more dangerously, online. Bullies intend to harass even if the are not intelligent to know they are bullying. At any age, they have the ability to know they should not perpetuate negativity, but some still claim they do not understand how their actions are harmful. While this may seem contrary, consider that when you address their behavior with them, they insist they are “not bad” people, ask their friends to insist they are nice, even say they are Christian. Your addressing their behavior puts them on notice that they are harmful. At this point, they become aware that they are engaging in this behavior but are defensive to avoid admitting they are wrong. Introverts and intelligent people admit when they are wrong, because they are more concerned with data and facts than feelings. They have no incentive to lie. They do not rely upon external validation. Extroverts do. This is not to say that all extroverts lack intellectual capacity, only that they are more motivated to be bullies.

Here are some examples of bullying that were unprovoked and occurred in situations where the person being harassed did not know the bully and/or was not interacting with the bully:

1. I like how you match your lipstick to your sweater. On second thought, I don’t. It’s ugly. You’re a bitch.

2. You need to pray to be normal.

3. Jesus can make you not be Asian.

4. We don’t want, you know, the black people in our neighborhood.

5. You’re not celibate. Look at you. You look like a model.

6. Don’t buy this art.

7. You need to smile.

Why are these words harmful? One of the “rules” of Christianity is to do unto others as you would have done unto you. If you cannot say something nice, do not say it at all. These examples ignore cultural and biological differences. They are punitive.

1. Introverts do not need compliments. In fact, they sometimes find compliments offensive. This “compliment” was a way to seek attention. The person did not receive attention, so he had intent to harm to assuage his feelings of insecurity.

2, 3, & 7. While there is a normal distribution, statistically speaking, people are not normal. There are cultural and physiological differences, which may seem “odd,” but those differences do not warrant being forced beliefs of the insecure. If you do not smile, shake hands, laugh at jokes, or make eye contact, you are not abnormal. You handle / process emotion differently.

3 & 4. Racist and ethnocentrist.

5. There is no look of celibacy. If one prefers to preserve his/her temple, then others should not assume their inability to keep their legs shut afflicts everyone.

6. Demanding that others boycott art defames the artist, nothing else. That statement alone shows disdain for the artist and/or the art. If one feels financial contribution to the artist is repulsive, or one feels the contribution would benefit one to the detriment of others (i.e. Boycotting people who shop at Hobby Lobby* as opposed to boycotting Hobby Lobby itself), then one should make the distinction. There is a difference between harassment and social awareness. Using the Hobby Lobby example, a person who shops at Hobby Lobby may not be aware of the practices of the establishment. Demanding people avoid the individual is harmful, seeks to exclude, and seeks to harass the individual rather than the establishment. Demanding the person avoid Hobby Lobby is completely different. A mature minded, intelligent person knows the difference. A bully who lacks intellectual capacity does not make the distinction.

The best way to handle someone who disparages you and claims they did nothing wrong is to ignore him/her. S/he will have friends to join in the disparage fest, because s/he is insecure and has to belittle everyone and everything that is secure. S/he needs power and control to compensate for the lack of power and control s/he feels with his/her life. S/he is unreasonable, immature, unprofessional, and lacks mental capabilities to examine his/her actions. This type of person always has to be right and will never understand his/her shortcomings. Additionally, these people are not intelligent enough to understand that constant communications from them and/or others on their behalves are harassment. It is no different than painting the n- word or the word “slut” on someone’s locker or home. It is no different than walking by someone bound, throwing rocks at them.

The best last word is the one left unsaid. This does not make one weak. It makes one mature and intelligent enough to understand the other person is deficient. In other words, thou shall not give pearl to the swine. Do not waste your energy on people who are unwilling to accept and admit their faults, those who are incapable of higher thought processing.

* This in no way suggests anyone boycott Hobby Lobby. People have their own reasons for shopping or not shopping there.

[capillata]

I think one of the things that bothers me so much about the ‘Snape was abused therefore his being a horrible person makes sense’ followed by ‘but all these people were abused and they’re not horrible in the Harry Potter world so Snape just sucks’ rhetoric is how much it erases the majority of abuse victims who do go on to become abusers or engage in abusive behaviour.

Harry Potter is not actually realistic in its depiction of ‘look at this incredible amount of people with shitty life circumstances who didn’t turn out to be complete dickwads’ - and this rhetoric around Snape vs. everyone else, like he doesn’t deserve redemption narratives or the good aspects of his character must be reductively viewed in the most narrow, brutal lens possible, perpetuates the idea that you have good victims and bad victims. 

This is one of the most destructive rhetorics around for healing from child abuse, and also tends to erase the majority of abuse victims who do go on to do terrible (or at least mean) things until they learn otherwise. Or alternatively, ‘do terrible things while learning how to do otherwise.’ Or alternatively, ‘do terrible things while also doing amazing things.’ 

Bad victims are the ones who don’t know how to automatically fix or stop themselves from becoming abusive themselves. They’re the ones who deal with the world with anger or snarling hostility, instead of being the ‘vulnerable sweet and approachable victim who is always kind and compassionate’ (these people have anger management issues too btw, they’re just more likely to direct that at themselves). They’re the people who don’t have ‘nice and neat’ mental disorders, who have the often maligned mental disorders. The ones where people go ‘oh yeah I’d never date someone with Bipolar or BPD or C-PTSD, what a clusterfuck that is.’ 

Bad victims get less help, less support, they have the ‘less wanted’ disorders resulting from their abuse and are generally dumped into the ‘your history is no excuse for how you behave now, therefore you deserve nothing good ever, you’re just horrible.’ 

This is not how healing works, guys. 

And it’s certainly not how healing in fanfiction works, when you take a character like Snape and put him on a redemption journey. Maybe consider how many ‘bad victims’ relate to him, before jumping on the ‘shitting on bad victims bandwagon’ while simultaneously lifting all the good victims up to the light. 

While it’s true that your history is no excuse for how you behave now, it certainly influences how you behave now. I was taught English in my formative years and therefore I’m not going to start speaking German suddenly because everyone else thinks I should. I need to be shown how to do that. I need to learn and have people to talk to who speak German and it needs to be role-modelled to me, and it’s going to be harder for me to learn it than it was English because I’m no longer in my formative years.

A lot of kids internalise patterns of abuse and then express them. There is no ‘best case scenario’ here. They either express them horrifically towards themselves, or towards other people, or there’s a mix. Unless they happen to be fortunate enough to have been removed from said abusive situation and had a ton of healthy behaviours role-modelled to them compassionately for years and years with consistency and patience. But for the most part, even a lot of ‘good victims’ simply abuse themselves, because this is acceptable to them. Tbh, a lot of ‘good victims’ abuse others too, it’s just more likely to be emotional and verbal, and they’re not likely to know they’re doing it. Especially AFAB victims. 

First of all, Severus Snape didn’t get this compassionate role-modelling. Second of all, you folks on this bandwagon don’t think he deserves it anyway, lol. And this is where we get the mindset that ‘bad victims don’t deserve to heal, they should just - in the metaphor - know how to speak German/be a good victim. If they don’t, they’re horrible, and why waste your time.’ While it’s always a choice to abuse someone, it’s not a coincidence that the people who are most likely to abuse, have been abused in their formative years. You are more likely to abuse if you have been abused. You are 75% more likely to do it. That is not an insignificant number folks. 

Tbh, I don’t really care that people hate Snape, because of course they do. What bothers me is the nature of how that hatred is expressed, which is often comparing him - a victim of abuse, to other victims of abuse, and using this to create a false binary that allows the others to be ‘worthy’ of healing, or kindness, or compassion, and the bad ones to be ‘unworthy.’ It also reduces the majority of bad victims to this soundbyte of: ‘well it’s not because you were abused, you’re just a horrible person.’ 

Outside of potential literal sociopaths (and I’m not even going to touch that with a barge pole), most abusers were not born horrible people. They were taught how to be horrible people by other folks who abused them. Generally speaking, by the time they become adults, they believe this is how you get about in the world and this is all you can really expect from others so you’d better be the best at it. It’s not rational, and it hurts people, but a lot of abusers can actually heal from this. 

But they’re not given the opportunity to. And in a society that reinforces the Good Victim vs. Bad Victim rhetoric (looking at you, most of Snape-hating Tumblr and for that matter, most of Loki-hating Tumblr etc.), they will continue to not be given that opportunity. 

And finally, it may just be worth considering how many people around here - like myself - have identified as a Bad Victim. We’re too angry. We have too many issues. We don’t heal fast enough. We isolate and push others away. We want to hurt others as we’ve been hurt. We have C-PTSD or some other disorder that’s not coded as ‘acceptable.’ We’ve been mean to loved ones and felt like we deserved to die because of it (let’s not get started on ‘I said something mean this one time therefore I deserved to be raped a bunch of times’ that bad victims often do like crazy). 

Being able to identify with a villain who has canonically done both good and bad things, or at the very least, sits in a greyscale of behaviours, is a big deal for us. Being able to identify with that villain in redemptive fic - if we so choose - is a big deal for us. It allows hope and a potential for the acceptance of healing or changing behaviours where most people don’t let us feel that it’s possible - where even folks on Tumblr don’t feel it’s possible lol. Because we don’t get acceptance in most other areas of society, even areas of trauma healing, because we’re not the Good Victims. I’ve had friends reject me on the basis that ‘you don’t cry and get sad enough about what happened to you, you just push people away.’ Because they have in their head, an image of what a good child abuse and rape victim looks like, and I don’t fit it. (Tbh it’s fine that they do this, they need to look after themselves, but these were also clearly people who had an idea of how a Good Abuse Victim should act, thanks to media - thanks to folks who perpetuate these binaries - they were only willing to offer compassion so long as I was able to fill the role of ‘someone who would cry sweetly after they offered compassion’ like the media taught them to expect). 

The world really isn’t as black and white as most people want it to be, especially in the arena of abuse victims (and abuse victims who become abusers). And if people are going to hate Snape, I just wish it could be done in a way that didn’t continue to dump a whole pile of bullshit on abuse victims (esp. child abuse victims) in general. I have pretty strong feelings about this and I’m sure this post is super incoherent, and I’ll probably delete it later, because the last thing I want is hate in my inbox that looks like ‘gasp do you think all child rapists who have been abused deserve good things’ because as someone who was raped repeatedly as a child I have complicated feelings about that too. 

But I know at least 6 Tumblrs I follow who post this stuff and I’d really like to not unfollow a whole bunch of people. But I will if I have to (especially if it doesn’t actually get regularly tagged in a way that I can block it without blocking all Snape posts lol), because fuck the Good Victim vs. Bad Victim binary that just makes it even harder for abuse victims to heal. Every time I read those posts, it makes a part of me shrink inside, and hate who I am even more. Maybe I should just not take it so personally, but it’s amazing the stuff you learn to take personally, when you know just how much support will be withheld if you’re not a stereotypical ‘Good Victim.’ 

[language-escapes]

*cracks knuckles* Okay, so we’re doing this.

Let’s talk about Sherlock North.

Sherlock North is a new Holmesian adaptation that was announced yesterday.  It is described as a contemporary crime fiction series, taking place in Finland during Holmes’ Hiatus.  While on the run, he ends up solving some cases in a small town with the help of someone named Johanna Watson.

In the space of twenty-four hours, the tag is FULL of people saying it’s going to be awful, that it’s homophobic and engaging in ‘het-swapping’, that Watson being a woman is boring and overdone, etcetera etcetera.  The entire tag is full of this.  Twenty-four hours old, not even close to being filmed or produced, and the tag is full of people decrying it as bad.

I mean, we know NOTHING about this adaptation.  There’s a Holmes, there’s a Watson, takes place during the Hiatus, that’s it. Boom.  What the hell is there to hate yet?

Those of us who are veteran Elementary fans are familiar with this, of course.  We’ve lived through this before, and still live through it because people continually fail to understand that if you’re ragging on something, you should avoid landing it in the tag.  But let’s go ahead and address some of the things people are saying about Sherlock North.  Let’s take a look at the claims and see if they hold any water.

Because Watson is a woman, it means that Holmes/Watson won’t be a homosexual pairing; that’s homophobic.

Come here.  Sit down.  I’m going to hold your hand through this, because this is going to hurt.

Holmes and Watson aren’t a canon gay pairing.

I wanted to say it quickly, like ripping a bandaid off.  It’s going to hurt, it’s going to sting, but it also needed to be done.  The truth of the matter is that Sherlock Holmes and John Watson, in the original canon, aren’t a homosexual pairing.  Now, we can certainly talk about how we interpret the text (I am a lifelong Holmes/Watson shipper; I will go down with that ship), and subtext, and coding, and all of these things, but the fact of the matter is that, in canon, Holmes and Watson are never actually written as romantically together.  Again, in terms of subtext and the way we interpret it?  Absolutely, it is easy to see them as being in love and so married and all.  But it isn’t canon.  It’s all interpretation.

What this means is that making Watson a woman is not, in itself, homophobic.  They are not ‘het-swapping’ because neither character was written as explicitly gay.  It’s just not possible.  No one is removing a real homosexual relationship from the story.

I know, it fucking sucks that it’s 2017 and we’ve never had a mainstream media Holmesian production with an explicitly queer Holmes or Watson, LET ALONE an explicitly queer Holmes and Watson that are in a relationship together.  I know that a lot of the people in the Sherlock North tag right now are angry, betrayed, bitter BBClock fans who thought that their show would make the subtext text, only to find that that didn’t happen.  And it sucks, I get that.  But that doesn’t make a totally different show homophobic.  And being hurt doesn’t excuse lashing out at a show and making unfounded accusations when, again, it was literally announced twenty-four hours ago and we know nothing about it.

If this is your argument against Sherlock North, how about you go watch some adaptations with queer characters?  How about The Adventures of Jamie Watson (and Sherlock Holmes), which is on youtube?  In that show Watson is bi, and Holmes is ace, and a number of the supporting cast also have LGBTQ identities.  Or S-her-lock, which can also be found on youtube.  Watson is trans and Holmes is an aro-ace.  I can recommend both of those adaptations wholeheartedly.

Watson as a woman is boring; a woman as the sidekick and help-meet, how original.

That’s primarily a matter of opinion, and you’re welcome to it, but I have to say, I’m offended on canon Watson’s behalf.  That’s all you think Watson is?  A sidekick? A help-meet?  I know Holmes calls him that in canon, but it’s also Holmes who claims that all emotion is useless and then tries not to cry when Watson gets shot.  I wouldn’t think of him as a reliable narrator, is all I’m saying.

And Watson as a sidekick is… I mean, I guess technically Watson COULD fit into that role, but that rather diminishes what a good Watson is.  A good Watson is brave, and loyal, and stubborn, prone to a temper at times, clever, a full partner in the investigations, compassionate and insightful, generous, self-sacrificing… what I’m saying here is, if you read the canon and just saw Watson as a sidekick, I suggest you go read it again.  And bring along the lenses that help you interpret the text as queer, because those lenses will definitely help you remember that narrators are often unreliable.

Watson as a woman is overdone.

Let’s see, in terms of mainstream media adaptations, I know of FIVE where Watson is a woman while Holmes is a man.  FIVE. They are:

They Might Be Giants (1971), with Joanne Woodward playing Mildred Watson; The Return of the World’s Greatest Detective (1976), with Jenny O’Hara playing Joan ‘Doc’ Watson; The Return of Sherlock Holmes (1986), with Margaret Colin playing Jane Watson; 1994 Baker Street (1993), with Debrah Farentino playing Amy Winslow; and Elementary (2012-), with Lucy Liu playing Joan Watson.

Five women Watsons. If we expanded the selection to include women Watsons against women Holmeses in mainstream media… we have six. That sixth one is Russian, btw. Not sure how mainstream it actually is, given that it doesn’t even have a Western world release.

If that’s your idea of overdone, I hate to break it to you about men Watsons and men Holmeses…

They only ever make Watson a woman so that Holmes and Watson can be in a romantic relationship together without having to incorporate a gay romance- THAT’S homophobic!

See point one regarding the homophobia.

But in the adaptations where Watson is a woman, IS there always a romantic relationship between Holmes and Watson?  Is this actually a thing?  This is a rhetorical question, I know the answer- no, they’re not always a romantic item when Watson is a woman.  In the most popular of the five adaptations above, They Might Be Giants, yes, Watson and Holmes are in a romantic relationship by the end.  The film is a cult classic, so I can see why it has imprinted on everyone’s mind, and why the heterosexual-appearing (bisexuality is a thing! As is pansexuality! As is asexuality! Not all of these are visible from the outside!) relationship between a woman Watson and man Holmes is something everyone remembers.

But in the other four? One can maybe argue sexual chemistry in some of them (it would take some arguing, though; it’s more subtext than text), but there is no actual romantic relationship between Holmes and Watson.  So if the creators of these productions made Watson a woman in order to have a romantic relationship with Holmes without queerness, they did a horrible job of it, because they forgot to actually include the romantic relationship.

(Fuck, those of us who watch Elementary just want Holmes and Watson to fucking HUG.)

Making Watson a woman isn’t progressive, it’s regressive; even if you get rid of the romantic relationship stuff, they often remove Watson’s key characteristics, like Watson being a doctor, or Watson being in the military.

Every single woman Watson is a doctor of some form.  Some of them aren’t practicing doctors, it’s true; neither was canon Watson when we first meet him, and in the stories he doesn’t actually start practicing medicine again until after he marries Mary Morstan, which happened in ~1887/1888 (don’t get any Holmesian started about dates…).  1888 was a full seven years after he met Holmes.  So even canon Watson, while having a medical degree, was not a doctor when we first meet him.

As for the military stuff… look.  In the first place, in the US military, women couldn’t serve in combat until 2013.  For the UK, restrictions on women in combat weren’t lifted until 2016 (though they could serve as combat medics and join other, technically non-combat groups).  But in the second place, and more importantly, our canon Watson served in the imperialist, colonialist British military in the Victorian era, a deeply awful time when the military engaged in genocides.  England is somewhat ashamed of that heritage, at least on some level (not on enough levels, of course, and not enough to get them to knock it off even now, but that’s neither here nor there).  Why the fuck would we want Watson serving an imperialistic goal, especially if a show doesn’t have the time or resources or, hell, interest to unpack what all of that means?  Very few shows can engage well in the complexities of military service, even ones ostensibly centered around them (*squints at NCIS*).  Frankly, I’d rather my Watson not serve in the military this time around if it means not having to deal with showrunners struggling and failing to make sense of the military mindset.

(ETA: Winslow was with the Red Cross during the Panama invasion. Thanks @sanguinarysanguinity!)

(Disclaimer: my entire family is military; believe me when I say this shit is complex, and needs a lot of energy devoted to it to do it right.)

The name fucking sucks.

Well.  I won’t argue with you there.

(Anybody know if this is just a translation of what the name is???  Because then I understand why it’s so bad.  Is it just a working title?)

The sum up

Take a look at all of those complaints I listed.  These are the complaints I saw over and over and over again when I went through the Sherlock North tag today.  Are you sensing a theme here?  Is there something in common with all of these arguments?

I want an explicitly queer Holmesian adaptation as much as the next H/W shipper.  I dream of it.  If someone gave me money to make my own adaptation, hells to the yeah would make them queer and in love.

But that doesn’t actually seem to be anyone’s main problem, to be honest.  The main problem people seem to have is that Watson is a woman.  

Someone can argue till they’re blue in the fact that the reason they’re upset about a woman Watson is because they want a gay Holmes and Watson relationship, but the fact of the matter is, we don’t have that relationship in any media, at all, and yet people still watch that media anyway.  And you can certainly be sad about the potential for a gay relationship being gone.  I do get that, and respect that.  

(Sidebar: in the world of things I find hilarious is the fact that, in this adaptation, Holmes and Watson COULD BE a gay couple!  They could be happily married!  Because John Watson could be back in London, sad because his husband was killed by Moriarty because THIS TAKES PLACE DURING THE HIATUS. Johanna might be a totally separate character!  Or Johanna IS our Watson, and Holmes didn’t know Watson before the Hiatus in this adaptation.  You know why that’s a possibility?  BECAUSE WE KNOW EXACTLY THREE THINGS ABOUT THIS ADAPTATION.)

But the hate?  That’s some bullshit right there.

If your issue is that Sherlock North is yet another adaptation where Holmes and Watson won’t be a gay couple, I do understand that disappointment. I would also like to point out that just because Holmes and Watson won’t be a gay couple in Sherlock North doesn’t preclude queerness, so you will want to rephrase that argument.  Watson could be a lesbian.  Holmes could be ace.  One or both could be bisexual.  Remember that queerness is this whole big range of things.  We don’t know enough about this production yet to say one way or another.  Just remember that two white dudes touching isn’t the only way to be queer, and that disappointment over the lack of white dudes touching shouldn’t lead to woman-bashing.

And if a woman Watson is your issue you don’t need to worry.  There are literally hundreds of other mainstream media adaptations with man Watsons.  In some of them, there are barely any women at all!  You can avoid women to your heart’s content.

Ultimately, most of the arguments against Sherlock North are just ridiculous.  It may suck.  It may be brilliant.  But it doesn’t have a cast, or a production crew, or any fucking funding yet, so we literally know not a single thing other than a general, broad concept.  So take a deep breath and step back.  Go hate women elsewhere.

(You know what I would like to see?  Some of this same outrage if Sherlock North ends up being a predominately white cast.  But if it has a white cast, suddenly we’ll hear all about how Scandanavia is just so white, it only makes sense for the cast to be white… and if folks got upset about race problems, they’d need to examine their own favourite Holmesian adaptations more critically, and we all know that ain’t gonna happen.  *sips tea*)

[catbountry]

Further Discussion of Nazi Punching Ethics

Izzy: There are many many times when it's OK to punch Nazis.

Izzy: When they've committed no crimes, have never met you before, and have their back turned to you isn't one of them.

Izzy: Shit like that is how you get Weimar Germany.

Cat Bountry: http://pastebin.com/LVrdM2fd

Izzy: "HORRAY, NAZI GOT PUNCHED IN THE FACE! BTW guys be safe there's some Nazis that are being really aggressive for some reason, be safe uwu."

Minty: I want your opinion but actually I don't care

Izzy: So far this person is claiming it's a good thing because it emboldens the worse parts of the left-wing? The very part that's been killing the left from within?

Cat Bountry: Yes.

Minty: The neo-left

Izzy: " at the point where people are openly violent, it does more good to be violent back and show defiance then stay silent like in ww2."

Izzy: There were two bad moves by the left in Weimar

Izzy: The regular left refused to acknowledge the Nazis existence, much less debate with them.

Izzy: The equivalent of the modern "no platforming".

Izzy: This let the Nazis both spread their ideas unchecked, and made them look like they were saying something important and revealing big secrets, otherwise why would the powers that be try to censor them?

Izzy: And then the radical left fought them with violence.

Cat Bountry: So basically they're creating THE EXACT SAME CONDITIONS that lead to Hitler's rise in the first place?

Izzy: You noticed?

Cat Bountry: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA FUCK.

Cat Bountry: I wish it'd been you debating this lady.

Izzy: We even have a Great Recession, and a recovery that's only helping the upper class.

Izzy: And even worse, we don't have Communism as a radical alternative, because it's failed so recently, while Nazism and fascism, for the most part, failed 80 years ago.

Izzy: (Not to imply Communism was good.)

Izzy: The Commies fought the Nazis and their brown shirts with violence.

Izzy: Both sides happily instigated the violence.

Izzy: And it served to reinforce both sides biases (dunno if that's the right word to use here) and led to more people moving from the middle to the extremes.

Cat Bountry: BUT IZZY, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE DONE IN 1940'S GERMANY, IZZY? I REALLY WANT YOU TO ADMIT I'M RIGHT ABOUT PUNCHING NAZIS IN THE FACE UNPROVOKED BECAUSE "RHETORICAL VIOLENCE."(edited)

Izzy: By 1940 IT WAS TOO LATE

Minty: But what do you feel about this Nazis

Izzy: Germany was already full Nazi and their War Machine had started rolling into the rest of Europe.

Cat Bountry: Yeah I pointed that out.

Minty: What do you FEEL

Izzy: We're talking WeimarRepublic here.

Cat Bountry: Keep reading, I'm sure you'll love it.

Cat Bountry: I had to share.

MissMarie: It's pretty bad,

MissMarie: they keep trying to double back and want you to admit punching nazis is okay.

Minty: @Septapus wormhole send "HORRAY, NAZI GOT PUNCHED IN THE FACE! BTW guys be safe there's some Nazis that are being really aggressive for some reason, be safe uwu."

SeptapusBOT: Message sent! You can use any wormhole 2 minutes from now.

Minty: Time to get anon hate via wormhole

MissMarie: I want someone to make a callout post on tumblr about wormhole messages

Minty: I still can't believe people are still sending communist propaganda through the wormhole

Minty: What have I started

Izzy: There are some actual communists out there.

Or Maoists.

Minty: The communist uprising of discord

Minty: I WAS JUST MEMEING

Minty: ITS JUST A PRANK BRO

Izzy: Wow, having a Trump icon next to my words in your screencap is not good optics. You can't tell that it's a messed up, mocking image of Trump I'm using in the cap.

Izzy: Hell, I'm not sure how obvious it is to you guys, at least without clicking on it and seeing the bigger animated image.

Cat Bountry: It's not animated.

Cat Bountry: It's just distorted.

Cat Bountry: Why, did you really try to make your icon an animated .gif?

Izzy: Yes, it showed as animated when I uploaded it and when I view it in my account.

Izzy: It's not a big animation, it's just contributing to the distortion.

Izzy: Yes, it showed as animated when I uploaded it and when I view it in my account.

Izzy: It's not a big animation, it's just contributing to the distortion.

Cat Bountry: There is literally no animation when I view it.

MissMarie: nope

Izzy: Is it animated (shaking) when you view my profile, at least?

MissMarie: It looks like Trump has 4 eyes.

Izzy: "rhetorical violence"? What is this bullshit? I've been seeing a lot of this lately from the far-left,

Izzy: Mainly to justify using physical violence or violent censorship against people who verbally offend them.

Izzy: http://4chanpol.tumblr.com/post/130041431174(edited)

Cat Bountry: That was the point I realized I was talking to a wall.

Izzy: There's such a thing as "fighting words", but those go directly to personal insults, and still don't legally justify violence. (Though I'll have to check the law.)

Cat Bountry: They're not protected under free speech though, I don't think, if they're implying an immediate threat.

Izzy: I'll have an answer for that in a bit.

Izzy: Also, IIRC, the left gained a handful of seats in Congress this last election, but not nearly as much as they assumed they would.

Minty: @Septapus wormhole send Making the mother of all omelettes here, Jack- can't fret over every egg!

SeptapusBOT: Message sent! You can use any wormhole 3 minutes from now.

Cat Bountry: I STAND CORRECTED.

Izzy: Google it and check?

Cat Bountry: http://www.wsj.com/articles/republicans-are-confident-about-retaining-control-of-the-house-1478634160

Cat Bountry: You were right.

Izzy: "i think the right to freedom (general) and inherent human worth trumps the right to freedom (of speech)." That makes no sense? Freedom of Speech is one of the most basic freedoms.

Cat Bountry: I KNOW, RIGHT?

Izzy: "rights are social constructs" They're wrong again

Izzy: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natural_and_legal_rights

Izzy: Only legal rights are social constructs.

Izzy: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negative_and_positive_rights

Cat Bountry: I don't think these people actually know what "social construct" even means anymore.

Izzy: "is the right to be safe more important than the right to express unpopular oipiinions without fear of violent retaliations?"

Izzy: "fuck no? "

Izzy: Well, you got them to admit it.

Izzy: I hope they remember that their opinions are unpopular too, and they've just justified violence against them and theirs.

Cat Bountry: Did I really mispell "opinions" that badly?

Izzy: Yep. I don't blame you two for mispelling tho, tumblr chat ain't great for that.(edited)

Cat Bountry: It's pretty hilarious, though.

Izzy: yah

Izzy: anyway, I have to run out, be back in a bit

Cat Bountry: Later, gator.